Both my adult children have now become alienated from me. In my early 30s son, he was cultivated over the course of a year, unbeknownst to me, by his father when he was a young teen. We did not see or speak for 10 years. Then he came around from time to time, birthdays holidays for a handful of years but was always stoned. Got married during COVID, and unbeknowst to me was in contact with my sister, who has been chief of my family of origin's scapegoating of me.
My mid 20s daughter, raised by me with no family support (just like with my son) had endured various childhood trauams incl SA, abandoment by her father and her brother who abruptly left when she was 6. Grew up with chronic health conditions later learned to be genetic in origin. Then she developed serious mental illness and borderline, in mid high school through last year.
There has never been anyone on my side, my children never saw evidence of this. So I became the only one they could blame and throw away, which is what happened with my daughter as well, who also was contacted by my sister (learned this later), and suprise suprise...after a horrific malicious discard last summer on her way to senior year of college, has been no contact with me.
So no. I do not hold out hope they will ever be a part of my life in the future. Now I am 60 broke, never any time to form community or long term friendships or relationships. Alone. Cheers.
Hey Pamela, I know how hard it can be to pick yourself up after so many years of failure and pain. I also know that optimistic talk like this can feel cheap and meaningless.
I get the sense that you read my articles because there is a spark of hope within you. And that means something. If you didn't have hope, I don't think you would have spent the time reading the articles and sharing your experience.
You say you are 60, broke, without community or friends or love. Even with all pain of that and alienation, you are still here.
Nurture that spark of hope. But remember, hope is not something that sits idly. Hope means taking deliberate action to change the way things are to something better.
Play your cards the best you can so you can take care of yourself financially. Meet people and make new friends. After you build a better foundation for yourself you can start to reach out to your kids again.
If no one else says it, I believe in you. Feel free to reach out anytime if you have questions.
Thanks. I read because I'm still curious to read what the narrative might be, regarding this topic.
But what does this mean for others like me(bc I know I'm not alone) whose experience and lived history tells them there is near to zero chance they'll ever get to cultivate a genuine relationship with their adult children?
Much too much details to tell.
I lose again.
I've always been in the breach, on my own. No one having my back.
The complex "intergenerational trauma"
and multiple other factors, such as the way millennials and gen z see people as expendable, lack interpersonal and conflict resolution skills, etc. But the biggest thing is the black hole that is family scapegoat abuse, and the legacy and impact of it.
Thank you for your courage and sharing your insights and journey. It is a gift to many.
Absolutely! Let me know if you have any questions and I can turn them into an article.
Both my adult children have now become alienated from me. In my early 30s son, he was cultivated over the course of a year, unbeknownst to me, by his father when he was a young teen. We did not see or speak for 10 years. Then he came around from time to time, birthdays holidays for a handful of years but was always stoned. Got married during COVID, and unbeknowst to me was in contact with my sister, who has been chief of my family of origin's scapegoating of me.
My mid 20s daughter, raised by me with no family support (just like with my son) had endured various childhood trauams incl SA, abandoment by her father and her brother who abruptly left when she was 6. Grew up with chronic health conditions later learned to be genetic in origin. Then she developed serious mental illness and borderline, in mid high school through last year.
There has never been anyone on my side, my children never saw evidence of this. So I became the only one they could blame and throw away, which is what happened with my daughter as well, who also was contacted by my sister (learned this later), and suprise suprise...after a horrific malicious discard last summer on her way to senior year of college, has been no contact with me.
So no. I do not hold out hope they will ever be a part of my life in the future. Now I am 60 broke, never any time to form community or long term friendships or relationships. Alone. Cheers.
Hey Pamela, I know how hard it can be to pick yourself up after so many years of failure and pain. I also know that optimistic talk like this can feel cheap and meaningless.
I get the sense that you read my articles because there is a spark of hope within you. And that means something. If you didn't have hope, I don't think you would have spent the time reading the articles and sharing your experience.
You say you are 60, broke, without community or friends or love. Even with all pain of that and alienation, you are still here.
Nurture that spark of hope. But remember, hope is not something that sits idly. Hope means taking deliberate action to change the way things are to something better.
Play your cards the best you can so you can take care of yourself financially. Meet people and make new friends. After you build a better foundation for yourself you can start to reach out to your kids again.
If no one else says it, I believe in you. Feel free to reach out anytime if you have questions.
Thanks. I read because I'm still curious to read what the narrative might be, regarding this topic.
But what does this mean for others like me(bc I know I'm not alone) whose experience and lived history tells them there is near to zero chance they'll ever get to cultivate a genuine relationship with their adult children?
Much too much details to tell.
I lose again.
I've always been in the breach, on my own. No one having my back.
The complex "intergenerational trauma"
and multiple other factors, such as the way millennials and gen z see people as expendable, lack interpersonal and conflict resolution skills, etc. But the biggest thing is the black hole that is family scapegoat abuse, and the legacy and impact of it.
An important read for so many!
Thank you so much for the kind words Dana!