New Years Resolutions
What kinds of goals should you set for new years + a quick self introduction.
“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.”
~ Chinese Proverb
Hi, I’m Andrew
I am a formerly alienated child who reunited with his mother after over 12 and half years of severe alienation. Throughout that time period, I saw my mother a couple of times and had no contact for 3 - 5 year stretches.
As a kid, I was mostly apathetic about my mother. I didn’t want to think about her, and I had replaced her with my stepmother, who was the alienator. My stepmother employed a number of abusive behaviors, from physical violence, gaslighting, giving conditional gifts, verbal insults, and invasion of privacy.
At 6 years old, we moved across the USA to Michigan, putting about 10 hours of driving time between my mother and me. At 12 years old, we moved again, but to Singapore.
Growing up, I was taught to build my identity around people pleasing and being useful. I learned to anticipate problems before they happened so that I could mitigate potential conflicts. As I got older, I accepted the idea that my mother and I would never have a relationship because I believed the divorce was entirely her fault.
But in 2012, everything was flipped on its head.
My father’s health began declining rapidly due to a multiple sclerosis episode, and his faltering marriage with my stepmother started getting more toxic. It was around this time when my stepmother started denigrating my father, telling me shocking stories about drug abuse and rampant alcoholism.
There was one flaw in my stepmother’s plan though… I wasn’t five years old anymore.
At 18, I had graduated secondary school (high school in Singapore) and was waiting to go to college. I passively watched everything like a fly on the wall. People who abuse drugs and alcohol usually do a poor job at hiding it.
And while my father is no saint in this coming divorce, I could tell when I was being lied to. I did my own detective work and confirmed my suspicions. What I was being told was lies intended to bring about shock. It is meant to destabilize my sense of judgment so that I would question his integrity at every decision he made.
Eventually, my father’s health reached a critical point where he needed a healthcare plan that he could afford. The only solution was to return to the USA, where he could enroll in disability.
I left the country with my father and brother in secrecy. This wasn’t an easy decision. Not only were we leaving behind friends and family, but we also broke a Singaporean National Service law. Under this law, males under 16 who have a permanent residentship are required to serve two years in the Singapore military. Re-entering Singapore would result in a two-year prison sentence and/or a fine of up to $10,000. I also forfeited a full-ride engineering scholarship with a guaranteed paid internship after graduation.
When I returned to the US, I blocked my stepmother and other family members who supported her on Facebook. I didn’t want to deal with the drama, which mostly consisted of rants berating me for shirking responsibility—particularly for walking out on my scholarship.
While blocking people, I saw my mother’s account, which I had blocked as a teenager. I paused, wondering if I had been too harsh by avoiding any contact with her. I acted on impulse, and I unblocked her.
The next day, she messaged me on Facebook to ask how I was doing. That began our journey to reunite. By Christmas, we met in person for the first time in over ten years.
And as of January 1st, 2025, we have been reunited for over 12 years (almost the same time we were alienated).
Reuniting with your alienated child in 2025
For many parents, the holidays are a knife to the gut because the people they want to celebrate with are behind the closed doors of an abuser.
If you have been alienated from your child for a long time, you likely have given up on New Year’s resolutions. There is no way to predict when your child will come back, if at all, and the thought of that can crush your confidence very quickly.
You might know someone who sets a New Year’s resolution like, “I want to lose 20 pounds by summer,” only to give up working out before January.
Setting a deadline for reunification with your alienated child is dangerous because it gives you the illusion of control. It deceives you into thinking you only have to “wait it out.”
So many parents are crushed to see their child self-enforce their alienation after their 18th birthday because they fell for the myth that reunification will happen when their child becomes an adult.
You might think, “Alright, Andrew. Nothing I have done is working. Where do I start, then?”
1. Build a Home
Instead of resolving to reunite with your child by a specific date, set smaller achievable goals to build a home for your child to return to.
Every person has to build themselves up in these areas:
Finance
Relationships
Professional Growth
Lifestyle
Spiritual and/or Religious
Personal Development
When one or more of these areas are lacking, problems crop up and drain you emotionally. It is very hard to be patient and kind when you are struggling financially to pay your bills or have unresolved trauma interfering with your happiness.
The journey of reuniting with your child starts with you. As you become stronger, your child will naturally feel an attraction toward you because they need someone strong to rely on for their survival.
As you strengthen each of these areas in your life, you will build a home that your child will feel safe in, especially since they are constantly living in fear of their safety with their abusive parent.
2. Strengthen your identity
All change in our habits begins with how we perceive ourselves.
James Clear speaks about this in great detail in his book Atomic Habits.
If you believe you are a failure, you are correct. Conversely, if you believe you are a good person, you are correct.
Often, when people are setting goals, they tend to think that outcomes will motivate them. Alienated parents visualize their children returning, cutting off their abusive parent. Then, reality kicks in. The kids don’t wise up, and the alienated parents question their identity.
Other parents might try changing their processes to reunite. They read all about enmeshment, gaslighting, narcissism, and mental disorders. Armed with surface-level knowledge, they masquerade as self-taught therapists trying to logically explain to their children the abuse they are enduring.
Consequently, the children are pushed away even further.
Positive movement in any goals you set is based on your identity. A healthy person does not exercise and eat nutritional food because they have a goal of being healthy. They do it because that is what a healthy person does.
The first lesson I learned at the beginning of my writing career was to call myself a writer—even though I had no professional experience. Writers write… a lot, so if I wanted to build a career as a writer, I would need to write consistently.
When you look at your identity as a parent, how do you perceive yourself?
Take a notepad and write down what comes to mind. If there are negative labels attached to your identity, explore them. Where do they come from? Do they have a voice or personality attached to them? Are they remnants of trauma from your upbringing?
These questions can help you break down limiting beliefs and trauma responses embedded in your identity.
As you explore your identity, you will see a growing list of positive qualities that remind you of who you truly are. And if you live a life rooted in compassion, love, generosity, integrity, diligence, responsibility, and empathy, your child will be more likely to believe you.
3. Your child is on a journey where they need to learn their own truth.
I interviewed Penny Tremblay, a corporate trainer who was alienated from her children, and she shared several profound pieces of wisdom that helped her reunite with them.
She was at a low point in her life, and nothing seemed to be going right. Her kids refused to communicate with her, and all she wanted was to have a relationship with them.
And one of my favorite things that she says in this podcast episode was that a friend had told her that her children were on a journey that didn’t involve her. Everyone has a journey they undergo in this lifetime. We experience unique challenges and make the best possible decisions based on the options available.
Alienation isn’t permanent. It is a journey that the child has to cross to find their own identity. Even for myself, I don’t think I would be the same person were it not for the alienation.
In a perfect world, there would be no pain or struggle. However, human beings do not have the privilege of an easy life. We can choose to envy those who seem to have had it easier, or we can rise above the challenges presented to us.
When your child sees you rising above the challenges laid before you, they are unconsciously encouraged to rise above their own strife.
Your child is on a journey where they have to discover their identity after it has been taken from them. At some point, they will need to cross the threshold and connect with you to rediscover the love you hold for them and the parts of their identity that have been suppressed.
All you can do while your child is on this journey is to project your intentions to reunite with God, the universe, or another spiritual entity so that it can manifest while you build a home for your child to return to.
My interview with Penny is one of my favorite interviews, and I highly recommend watching it.
What’s Coming Next?
I have quite a few projects that I am working on that I will share with you once the time is appropriate. For now, you can expect a newsletter to be released at the beginning of every month, where I will share key insights to help you with your reunification.
Feel free to ask any questions, and I may even take your question and turn it into a newsletter.
I am also working on a book…
Here is what I can share right now.
The book is going to be written to help alienated parents who are actively trying to reunite with their children, regardless of age or severity of alienation. I will be interviewing experts and gathering the latest data on alienation to provide you with the step-by-step process to help you build rapport with your child so they return back to you.
But that’s not all.
Alienation doesn’t end just because the child returns to the targeted parent and after speaking to several formerly alienated kids, there is also a critical piece that needs to happen after the alienated child and parent reunite.
Both parties need to heal their relationship.
This book will support the healing journey by highlighting potential pitfalls and suggesting communication strategies that you and your child can use to find common ground and build a path moving forward.
The book is still in the research and draft phase, so stay tuned for future updates.
Happy New Year, and may the years ahead bring you answers, peace, and pure joy.
Until next time,
Andrew Folkler
What fabulous work you are doing, Andrew! Happy to see you here.