I received the message of this post in an email and I have found it to be one of the most helpful readings on help for alienated parents that I have read so far. Andrew is right. One of the hardest parts in dealing with alienation is knowing what to do. I’ve already begun some of what he shared in this writing, but now he has confirmed and clarified what I need to continue doing.
It’s so helpful to know and understand now that I am creating an experience for my children, and when it is good and we laugh, I can help them memorialize it as an anchor. It makes me cry because this is what I needed to know to do. I have felt so lost and alone and devastated by the loss of relationship with my sons. Grieving for living children has been the most painful thing I have EVER experienced in my 45 year lifetime.
It’s also invaluable to be able to know what my kids are experiencing and how it affects them. Now I can see things better from their perspective and I am filled with empathy and compassion for them.
Andrew, thank you for the hope you give us. Thank you for your vulnerability, your strength and your selfless willingness to share your experiences and wisdom with heartbroken but resolved parents like me. I can never thank you enough. I am grateful for you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless you abundantly for what you have been through and are doing now. 💗
Thank you Kate! As always, I am here to support parents as best as I can, so feel free to ask any questions you may have, as I may turn it into an article in the future or work it into my book!
I have 5 children (4 boys & 1 girl). The 3 oldest are in their 20’s and the 2 youngest are 18 and 15. My daughter (22 yo) and my youngest son are not alienated from me but my other 3 sons are and have been for the last 5 years.
My alienation story is long and incredibly painful. I had no idea what to do about the alienation until recently.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes with my boys over the years just trying to do something to help the situation get better. Our therapist believes my sons have Stockholm syndrome and are in a trauma bond with their dad (I’m a psychology major and believe their dad is narcissistic/borderline/antisocial).
I know my sons are being psychologically and spiritually abused on a regular basis. My two oldest sons don’t talk to me at all and my 18 yo son talks to me when I approach him at sporting events and sometimes he responds to my text messages.
Last year, I started messaging my boys every single Sunday. I wanted them to know they were going to consistently hear from their mom. I have been saying the things Madi from the Anti-Alienation Project says her dad did that helped her come to realize the truth about him and what you recommend in your writings.
I know I’m playing the long game (even though I want to just fix it now, I know I can’t.).
My question is: is messaging them once a week enough?
I ask because I feel like getting a positive message from me once a week is a drop in the bucket compared to the constant negative, toxic, manipulative messaging they get from their dad on the daily.
But I also don’t want to message too much and get obnoxious.
I know situations are subjective, but do you have any advice on frequency of sending messages that would help them and not be too much?
So you are right that it is a case-by-case situation, depending on factors such as the level of anger in the alienated child, the severity of the alienation, and the severity of the consequences imposed by the alienator.
And while it is an unsatisfying answer, here is how I would approach finding the answer.
Consistency is more important in the long run at this point. If once a week is the most you can do while not getting blocked or getting sucked into conflict, then continueing that will be paying itself back in dividends, years down the road. During reunification, your child won't be saying, "I wish you messaged me more than once a week..." they would be more likely to say something about how you were always consistent, even when you didn't get a response.
Especially with how you would stay respectful, positive, and encouraging.
On one hand, you are correct that a positive message does little for the moment when they are dealing with the alienator. But drawing from the article, the human experience affects us in the moment it is happening and again during reflection.
Your child may not feel much empowerment now when they receive a message from you. But that does not mean they won't feel empowered later when they are reflecting on your words.
All of this to say that you are on the right track. Pull back temporarily if things get heated, but don't be afraid to send an extra message if you have a bit more light and sunshine to share with them.
Okay! Thank you so much, Andrew. This helps me a lot. I feel a lot of sadness about wthe times I’ve said things I shouldn’t in my hurt and frustration with the situation, but I am encouraged to keep doing better for them every day.
I so wish I could put on my superhero cape and just rescue them out of this ugly, abusive, painful situation but I know I can’t. I have to keep my mama bear heart calm and just share the light and sunshine with them that you speak of. At times, I feel so powerless to help them. 😔
But I am committed to consistently loving them through my messages the best that I can. And I’m thankful to God that my messages are still being received. 💗🙏🏻
What you share to help parents like me is invaluable. Thank you. The pain we carry from the alienation is indescribable. 💔
Thank you so much Andrew for this thoughtful article. I am the Mum of an adolescent son. His father has been busy alienating me as a parent for nearly 5 years using emotional, psychological and religious abuse. Supporting my son and limiting distress to both myself and my son through this extremely difficult period has been the most difficult part of my life. Your insight into the experiences of parental alienation through the child’s lens had helped me maintain perspective and stamina long term and refuse to give up hope for a strong relationship with my son in future.
I read your articles and they help me to understand the “dance” let’s call it, of pacing communication with my son - not too much to overwhelm him, and not too little that he feels that I am unavailable to him. I strongly doubt at this stage that he feels safe to call me or come to see me without an excuse, e.g. Mum has asked me too…something. I have completely cut contact with his father because each contact was being turned into fodder in the family law process to allege parental harm or neglect to my son. So my son is navigating an emotional DMZ situation daily. The whiplash effect or maybe even backlash is the right word, when my son and I have had pleasant contact is dreadful. We are good for a day maximum and then he “disappears” and can’t initiate contact and waits for my weekly calendar of availability to drop. Then if I am lucky, he responds and says he will come to see me. He arrives at my house dysregulated and itching for an argument about anything. I’m trying to help him decompress and co-regulate with me. However sometimes our time together is so short it’s impossible to help him feel comfortable in my space before he has to go. Last Saturday he stayed overnight for the first time in 5 months, thankfully by choice. However his father inserted himself multiple times into the contact by calling incessantly - 3 times in 5 hours and likely more through messaging after that. I actually responded to that and asked him simply if someone was worried about him having to call so many times. I know what it feels like to be remotely monitored by his father- this used to happen to me too every time I was away from home for work. How do I communicate most effectively to give my son the space he needs to regulate himself before we interact fully in my home? And what is the most effective way to teach him skills on communicating with his father so that it’s not so intrusive. Because right now he interprets all the calls as “love” and “he misses me.” And it’s neither of those things - it’s maintenance of control and monitoring of me indirectly too.
Alienation occurred with my older daughter when she was 16 before I had any idea what alienation even was. At this time, I didn’t think I was being abused. I didn’t have any bruises. It wasn’t until I began experiencing core chilling hatred, rages that were mystifying and a Twilight Zone inversion of reality that I realized I’ve been experiencing emotional abuse by a covert narcissist nearly our whole marriage. Death by a thousand cuts. My Christian faith suddenly became something to ridicule, my distancing became proof that I didn’t love my family, and my silence was admission of guilt. When blatant lies and accusations became a series of provocations, there were times I raised my voice and, yes, screamed, not knowing it was a set up and was timed to occur when the children were in the room while he was on the phone. This covert narcissist was not only a manipulator, gaslighting me, but he was also a provocateur demonstrating to the children what a victim he was. He was able after a 20 year marriage to have affairs, find someone he wanted to marry and now had the “gruesome” job of making it look like it was all my fault. My older daughter, who just weeks before, was angry her dad was never home, suddenly turned on me, leaned on her dad as her protector and conspired with him to push me out. Suddenly he became the “best dad”, buying her a new car, taking her on fun amusement park trips, expensive clothes, thousand dollar purses and lots of attention and “talks”. It kills me to even write this. I was dumped like an old dishrag. It took nearly 2 years after the divorce to get everything aligned with his new love interest. Remodeling our home, buying her a $100,000 wedding and engagement ring, tricking my daughters and our friends, inviting them to Northern California for a New Year’s Eve party/turned wedding at “our” Marin County Country Club. Many cancelled. But many friends I had before our marriage, attended. I felt like I lost everything. But the thing that put me over the edge, was I knew he would be coming after my younger daughter. And between him and my older daughter and the lure of “one big happy family”, they were able to convince my younger daughter every decision I ever made for her was wrong and damaging. It was the most horrific thing I’d ever experienced or even ever heard of. They spent an entire year coaching her, going behind my back, taking her to social workers for hire, lawyers, convincing her everything was her idea and what she truly wanted so she could tell this to the judge. The time she spent with me was seeking every minute to get away from me and most of the time angry and hysterical. After all she had a secret so big she was frightened out of her wits that somehow she would tip me off. What they did to her was an incredible manipulation and mind game. I’m feeling nauseous just writing about it and it happened 18 years ago. They succeeded in becoming the custodial parents, keeping her nearly full time and on top of that demanding child support, though he was worth millions. I’m 73 now. A year ago my younger daughter sent the police to do a wellness check, she had tried calling for many months, but she had the wrong number. I was fine and called her immediately. She burst into tears. I hadn’t talked to her or seen her in over 6 years and before that hardly ever. No one called to see how I was doing during Covid. I was fine, never had Covid and spent the two worst years of Covid remodeling and designing a 1937 historic home located in a choice part of town in a beautiful destination city. I did a deep dive in the study of evil and covert narcissism, the Bible and developed a deep and meaningful relationship with God. I wrote, gardened, painted, created and put myself to work helping others in every way I possibly could. I’m older, slower, stiffer, but active and engaged in many areas of interest. I created my best life. She has distanced herself from her father, who is dying of stage 5 cancer. She doesn’t like being around him. She’s thinking of moving closer to me and is very excited about that. I’ll help her, I know it’ll be challenging, but I love her dearly and I know she was cruelly victimized, we don’t talk much about it. I have a thousand questions I’ll probably never be able to ask. Shortly after contacting me, she was feeling very fragile, commented how she wants to see a therapist and probably needs medication. I told her, “I just want to hear you say “I’m sorry”.” She did. And that was a huge transformation for her. She’s sweet, kind, caring, texts me every day, tells me she loves me every day. About the only thing she tells me about her dad and “family” is that it just never feels real, never peaceful, always stressful and always with expectations that she is not motivated to meet. They never talk about anything, never resolve anything, everything gets “swept under the rug”. Her and I share a lot of important things. She has been on her own for years figuring things out. She visited me just recently, dipping her toe in the waters of a new location to live in. She has a boyfriend of 5 years who is just as excited as she is. I really like him as well. Humble, kind, caring and treats my daughter with respect and kindness. They make a beautiful couple and though Texas has been their home most of their lives, they’re ready to seek a new adventure and a new home. They love the area I live in, wild horses, mountains, hiking trails and a lot of opportunity. My daughter can work remotely from anywhere. It’s like God said, it’s time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard the journey must have been and I am really glad you and your daughter were able to reunite and pave a path forward that works best for you both. :)
Hi Andrew - Thanks for your sharing your thoughts through multiple articles. My son is 17 and playing the games his dad did. He is abusive in short and wants to come over ever couple of weeks. But I have very little tolerance when my rules, expectations or boundaries are dismissed. He has told me multiple times that he does not respect me. And now I am tired to being on the receiving end. It’s my job to earn respect. I am thinking of telling my son not to come unless he is willing to respect me. Is this something that will harm him you think? I just no longer have the capacity to deal with the fights or being dismissed.
What Jonathan shared below is correct. You have to show your child that you respect yourself enough that you will not tolerate abusive behavior. Tolerating abuse ultimately encourages more of it.
What you can do is set your boundary and make it clear to your son, "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior."
You can tell him candidly the consequences of that behavior - no meaningful romantic relationships, difficulty in the workplace, shallow friendships - and you can also tell him that you want for a better mother-son relationship and that it is only possible if he wants it too.
Then you create enough distance to keep yourself safe while you check in with him every now and then. If he is still being hurtful, you pull back and give it another pause. Stay firm to your boundaries for your safety.
Like Jonathan mentions below, being hurtful to a parent is damaging to his psyche. He is internalizing that he is a bad person and he is also embodying his father. He will eventually need to ask himself if he will be his own person or if he will become someone like his father.
At 17, these are questions you can ask him.
He needs to see you thriving and succeeding. I am working on an article about this but I haven't finished it yet. Stay tuned for it and I will share it once it is ready.
All have the right to protect themselves from abuse, and walking away, even from our own alienated children, could be necessary....I did, after 17 years of struggle and being the target of my daughter's abusive behavior.
Perhaps one thing to keep in mind: Your son is young enough, and still developmentally incomplete enough, that mistreating you is also harming himself...at a deep, psycho-emotional level. It will later, if not now, be the burden of shame he will have to either resolve or carry with him.
Thanks Jonathan. It is true that by hurting me he is adding to the sack of things he needs to resolve. I did draw some boundaries after reflecting over the past few weeks. I don’t want him to add to the sack. And I think he will learn - he is thoughtful. I am helping him know that I am here with love but not for disrespect. What’s hard is thinking of ways to convey love. Thanks for sharing and your thoughts.
Just to add another note to my response: I have, from the beginning of this tragedy so many years ago, been primarily concerned (deeply troubled), by how my daughter would ultimately be affected, not only by what the alienator was doing, but what she was doing to herself.
It isn’t just insensitive commentary on my part.
I keep asking myself, and anyone else: "just what happens to any child, especially the youngest and most vulnerable, who reject and abandon a parent they had once loved unconditionally".
While setting tight boundaries was self-protective, I also needed some way to protect her from herself.
Doing so is, or could appear to be, a hard-hearted thing to do, and doesn’t mean I do not suffer the loss and grief every (every) day. But there is another equally painful, and perhaps even risky objective:
Lowenstein (1999) offers the position that:
“The development of a conscience about the treatment the child has meted out to the Alienated Parent needs to be made with the child in order to alter his or feelings toward the alienated parent…In extreme cases of PAS, it may be necessary to resort to ‘anti-psychological’ approaches and make the child actually feel guilty for the way he/she behaves towards the alienated parent. Such feelings of guilt can have a positive effect in removing the alienator’s influences on the child”
Even though I adamantly agree with that point, I suggested that it has been risky in my situation because, in my opinion, it requires an objective professional to negotiate that strategy with the alienated child (not the alienated parent). But, that has never been possible, so I have been the one left to do the work.
I am not unaware of the risks involved, but Lowenstein’s point should be considered by all who are involved with parental alienation and working to resolve it.
Yes, it does require a professional and system that thrives on seeking the truth. When the system is ill equipped to deal with the brainwashing there is only so much a rejected parent can do - because the bias in the kid(s) has been ingrained. It is heartbreaking. At the end I will be happy if my son finds his own sense of well being.
Much love to you HoneyBee, I appreciate your support and know that I am here to help as much as I can. Any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! I might even turn it into a future article.
Bless you. I would like to ask you something about what just happened. My heart is beating so fast - I actually just had a long awaited phone call with my son. It’s heartbreaking because the brainwashing is so screamingly evident I’m just overwhelmed. I just was wondering if I could ask you a question here or if I should email. Thank you so much.
Feel free to ask here or via email if it is personal. I am happy to help and share insights and if the core challenge is big enough, I may even turn that into an article as well. Let me know!
Thanks for writing another great article on how to incentivize a transformative experience in the alienated child, and get past the trauma, with a mindset shift. Why do think the transformative happened with you?, when so many other alienated children never have the transformative experience, even decades later. Do you think you were prepared (pre-planned) to have the experience somehow? or genetics , or luck? Or perhaps don't know.
I don’t know if I can narrow it down to one particular experience, but here are what I think contributed to it.
Firstly, my alienator tried to use the same tactics against my father when she was divorcing him as she had used when alienating me from my mother. The accusations she made did not align with what I had experienced, so I started to doubt her.
Second, I developed an interest in personal development and psychology when I was 13, and that little bit of psychology 101 reading helped me learn to be more introspective.
Thirdly, I had a series of negative experiences with my alienator that made it easier for me to leave her. For example, in my article, Finding Love After Alienation Part 1, I mentioned how my alienator was directly involved in my first teenage relationship breakup. I was reflecting on experiences like that and reached a point where I realized I would never be able to live my own life if I were stuck under her.
The healing process afterward from alienation was a combination of personal development and introspection, plus learning to build a new relationship with my mother.
How many years after your breakup with Celine, did it take you to leave the house of your alienator? Obviously your questions (and skepticism) about statements vs reality, and searching for an authentic self started earlier than Celine, but can you identify the moment you decided to break free? and face the dragon? I assume that moment was while you were physically still living with the alienator, and not when when you were living independently.
A core defining "face the dragon" moment happened in 2012. My father was hospitalized due to advancing MS, which was when we started to notice the adultery going on with the alienator. She would denigrate my dad while spending a great of time with another man, whom I had met and spent quite a bit of time with. They attempted to hide it by saying they were "business partners," and I was working as an intern for the alienator at the time, so I saw everything. Despite their platonic demeanor in front of me, it didn't take much to put 2 and 2 together.
When the divorce papers were served, my father needed to go back to the US for medical attention (we were in Singapore at the time). It was not something he could have done alone due to his declining condition. At first, I was resistant to the idea, especially since my youngest brother would be left behind with my alienator (he is her biological son).
Another core-defining moment was my engineering scholarship. I had a full-ride scholarship with monthly stipends totaling $800 Singapore dollars, and my alienator wanted the stipends transferred to her account for safekeeping, with a portion to support the house expenses. She has borrowed quite a bit of money from me and never paid it back, so I knew I would never get it back. There were many fights about this and it wasn't because I was irresponsible with money.
These were some of the cumulative factors that led to the decision to leave in 2013. I had just turned 18 a few months before.
Wow, no lack of evidence for a child to see. It is amazing how adept most humans are at ignoring the obvious fraud/delusions in front of them, both children and adults suffer this. Congratulations to you for seeing it!
I received the message of this post in an email and I have found it to be one of the most helpful readings on help for alienated parents that I have read so far. Andrew is right. One of the hardest parts in dealing with alienation is knowing what to do. I’ve already begun some of what he shared in this writing, but now he has confirmed and clarified what I need to continue doing.
It’s so helpful to know and understand now that I am creating an experience for my children, and when it is good and we laugh, I can help them memorialize it as an anchor. It makes me cry because this is what I needed to know to do. I have felt so lost and alone and devastated by the loss of relationship with my sons. Grieving for living children has been the most painful thing I have EVER experienced in my 45 year lifetime.
It’s also invaluable to be able to know what my kids are experiencing and how it affects them. Now I can see things better from their perspective and I am filled with empathy and compassion for them.
Andrew, thank you for the hope you give us. Thank you for your vulnerability, your strength and your selfless willingness to share your experiences and wisdom with heartbroken but resolved parents like me. I can never thank you enough. I am grateful for you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless you abundantly for what you have been through and are doing now. 💗
Thank you Kate! As always, I am here to support parents as best as I can, so feel free to ask any questions you may have, as I may turn it into an article in the future or work it into my book!
Thank you! I do have a question, actually.
I have 5 children (4 boys & 1 girl). The 3 oldest are in their 20’s and the 2 youngest are 18 and 15. My daughter (22 yo) and my youngest son are not alienated from me but my other 3 sons are and have been for the last 5 years.
My alienation story is long and incredibly painful. I had no idea what to do about the alienation until recently.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes with my boys over the years just trying to do something to help the situation get better. Our therapist believes my sons have Stockholm syndrome and are in a trauma bond with their dad (I’m a psychology major and believe their dad is narcissistic/borderline/antisocial).
I know my sons are being psychologically and spiritually abused on a regular basis. My two oldest sons don’t talk to me at all and my 18 yo son talks to me when I approach him at sporting events and sometimes he responds to my text messages.
Last year, I started messaging my boys every single Sunday. I wanted them to know they were going to consistently hear from their mom. I have been saying the things Madi from the Anti-Alienation Project says her dad did that helped her come to realize the truth about him and what you recommend in your writings.
I know I’m playing the long game (even though I want to just fix it now, I know I can’t.).
My question is: is messaging them once a week enough?
I ask because I feel like getting a positive message from me once a week is a drop in the bucket compared to the constant negative, toxic, manipulative messaging they get from their dad on the daily.
But I also don’t want to message too much and get obnoxious.
I know situations are subjective, but do you have any advice on frequency of sending messages that would help them and not be too much?
I hope my question makes sense. 😬
Great question Kate!
So you are right that it is a case-by-case situation, depending on factors such as the level of anger in the alienated child, the severity of the alienation, and the severity of the consequences imposed by the alienator.
And while it is an unsatisfying answer, here is how I would approach finding the answer.
Consistency is more important in the long run at this point. If once a week is the most you can do while not getting blocked or getting sucked into conflict, then continueing that will be paying itself back in dividends, years down the road. During reunification, your child won't be saying, "I wish you messaged me more than once a week..." they would be more likely to say something about how you were always consistent, even when you didn't get a response.
Especially with how you would stay respectful, positive, and encouraging.
On one hand, you are correct that a positive message does little for the moment when they are dealing with the alienator. But drawing from the article, the human experience affects us in the moment it is happening and again during reflection.
Your child may not feel much empowerment now when they receive a message from you. But that does not mean they won't feel empowered later when they are reflecting on your words.
All of this to say that you are on the right track. Pull back temporarily if things get heated, but don't be afraid to send an extra message if you have a bit more light and sunshine to share with them.
Okay! Thank you so much, Andrew. This helps me a lot. I feel a lot of sadness about wthe times I’ve said things I shouldn’t in my hurt and frustration with the situation, but I am encouraged to keep doing better for them every day.
I so wish I could put on my superhero cape and just rescue them out of this ugly, abusive, painful situation but I know I can’t. I have to keep my mama bear heart calm and just share the light and sunshine with them that you speak of. At times, I feel so powerless to help them. 😔
But I am committed to consistently loving them through my messages the best that I can. And I’m thankful to God that my messages are still being received. 💗🙏🏻
What you share to help parents like me is invaluable. Thank you. The pain we carry from the alienation is indescribable. 💔
Absolutely!
Thank you so much Andrew for this thoughtful article. I am the Mum of an adolescent son. His father has been busy alienating me as a parent for nearly 5 years using emotional, psychological and religious abuse. Supporting my son and limiting distress to both myself and my son through this extremely difficult period has been the most difficult part of my life. Your insight into the experiences of parental alienation through the child’s lens had helped me maintain perspective and stamina long term and refuse to give up hope for a strong relationship with my son in future.
Absolutely Judy! Feel free to ask any questions as I sometimes turn the core of it into an article :)
I read your articles and they help me to understand the “dance” let’s call it, of pacing communication with my son - not too much to overwhelm him, and not too little that he feels that I am unavailable to him. I strongly doubt at this stage that he feels safe to call me or come to see me without an excuse, e.g. Mum has asked me too…something. I have completely cut contact with his father because each contact was being turned into fodder in the family law process to allege parental harm or neglect to my son. So my son is navigating an emotional DMZ situation daily. The whiplash effect or maybe even backlash is the right word, when my son and I have had pleasant contact is dreadful. We are good for a day maximum and then he “disappears” and can’t initiate contact and waits for my weekly calendar of availability to drop. Then if I am lucky, he responds and says he will come to see me. He arrives at my house dysregulated and itching for an argument about anything. I’m trying to help him decompress and co-regulate with me. However sometimes our time together is so short it’s impossible to help him feel comfortable in my space before he has to go. Last Saturday he stayed overnight for the first time in 5 months, thankfully by choice. However his father inserted himself multiple times into the contact by calling incessantly - 3 times in 5 hours and likely more through messaging after that. I actually responded to that and asked him simply if someone was worried about him having to call so many times. I know what it feels like to be remotely monitored by his father- this used to happen to me too every time I was away from home for work. How do I communicate most effectively to give my son the space he needs to regulate himself before we interact fully in my home? And what is the most effective way to teach him skills on communicating with his father so that it’s not so intrusive. Because right now he interprets all the calls as “love” and “he misses me.” And it’s neither of those things - it’s maintenance of control and monitoring of me indirectly too.
Alienation occurred with my older daughter when she was 16 before I had any idea what alienation even was. At this time, I didn’t think I was being abused. I didn’t have any bruises. It wasn’t until I began experiencing core chilling hatred, rages that were mystifying and a Twilight Zone inversion of reality that I realized I’ve been experiencing emotional abuse by a covert narcissist nearly our whole marriage. Death by a thousand cuts. My Christian faith suddenly became something to ridicule, my distancing became proof that I didn’t love my family, and my silence was admission of guilt. When blatant lies and accusations became a series of provocations, there were times I raised my voice and, yes, screamed, not knowing it was a set up and was timed to occur when the children were in the room while he was on the phone. This covert narcissist was not only a manipulator, gaslighting me, but he was also a provocateur demonstrating to the children what a victim he was. He was able after a 20 year marriage to have affairs, find someone he wanted to marry and now had the “gruesome” job of making it look like it was all my fault. My older daughter, who just weeks before, was angry her dad was never home, suddenly turned on me, leaned on her dad as her protector and conspired with him to push me out. Suddenly he became the “best dad”, buying her a new car, taking her on fun amusement park trips, expensive clothes, thousand dollar purses and lots of attention and “talks”. It kills me to even write this. I was dumped like an old dishrag. It took nearly 2 years after the divorce to get everything aligned with his new love interest. Remodeling our home, buying her a $100,000 wedding and engagement ring, tricking my daughters and our friends, inviting them to Northern California for a New Year’s Eve party/turned wedding at “our” Marin County Country Club. Many cancelled. But many friends I had before our marriage, attended. I felt like I lost everything. But the thing that put me over the edge, was I knew he would be coming after my younger daughter. And between him and my older daughter and the lure of “one big happy family”, they were able to convince my younger daughter every decision I ever made for her was wrong and damaging. It was the most horrific thing I’d ever experienced or even ever heard of. They spent an entire year coaching her, going behind my back, taking her to social workers for hire, lawyers, convincing her everything was her idea and what she truly wanted so she could tell this to the judge. The time she spent with me was seeking every minute to get away from me and most of the time angry and hysterical. After all she had a secret so big she was frightened out of her wits that somehow she would tip me off. What they did to her was an incredible manipulation and mind game. I’m feeling nauseous just writing about it and it happened 18 years ago. They succeeded in becoming the custodial parents, keeping her nearly full time and on top of that demanding child support, though he was worth millions. I’m 73 now. A year ago my younger daughter sent the police to do a wellness check, she had tried calling for many months, but she had the wrong number. I was fine and called her immediately. She burst into tears. I hadn’t talked to her or seen her in over 6 years and before that hardly ever. No one called to see how I was doing during Covid. I was fine, never had Covid and spent the two worst years of Covid remodeling and designing a 1937 historic home located in a choice part of town in a beautiful destination city. I did a deep dive in the study of evil and covert narcissism, the Bible and developed a deep and meaningful relationship with God. I wrote, gardened, painted, created and put myself to work helping others in every way I possibly could. I’m older, slower, stiffer, but active and engaged in many areas of interest. I created my best life. She has distanced herself from her father, who is dying of stage 5 cancer. She doesn’t like being around him. She’s thinking of moving closer to me and is very excited about that. I’ll help her, I know it’ll be challenging, but I love her dearly and I know she was cruelly victimized, we don’t talk much about it. I have a thousand questions I’ll probably never be able to ask. Shortly after contacting me, she was feeling very fragile, commented how she wants to see a therapist and probably needs medication. I told her, “I just want to hear you say “I’m sorry”.” She did. And that was a huge transformation for her. She’s sweet, kind, caring, texts me every day, tells me she loves me every day. About the only thing she tells me about her dad and “family” is that it just never feels real, never peaceful, always stressful and always with expectations that she is not motivated to meet. They never talk about anything, never resolve anything, everything gets “swept under the rug”. Her and I share a lot of important things. She has been on her own for years figuring things out. She visited me just recently, dipping her toe in the waters of a new location to live in. She has a boyfriend of 5 years who is just as excited as she is. I really like him as well. Humble, kind, caring and treats my daughter with respect and kindness. They make a beautiful couple and though Texas has been their home most of their lives, they’re ready to seek a new adventure and a new home. They love the area I live in, wild horses, mountains, hiking trails and a lot of opportunity. My daughter can work remotely from anywhere. It’s like God said, it’s time.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard the journey must have been and I am really glad you and your daughter were able to reunite and pave a path forward that works best for you both. :)
Hi Andrew - Thanks for your sharing your thoughts through multiple articles. My son is 17 and playing the games his dad did. He is abusive in short and wants to come over ever couple of weeks. But I have very little tolerance when my rules, expectations or boundaries are dismissed. He has told me multiple times that he does not respect me. And now I am tired to being on the receiving end. It’s my job to earn respect. I am thinking of telling my son not to come unless he is willing to respect me. Is this something that will harm him you think? I just no longer have the capacity to deal with the fights or being dismissed.
What Jonathan shared below is correct. You have to show your child that you respect yourself enough that you will not tolerate abusive behavior. Tolerating abuse ultimately encourages more of it.
What you can do is set your boundary and make it clear to your son, "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior."
You can tell him candidly the consequences of that behavior - no meaningful romantic relationships, difficulty in the workplace, shallow friendships - and you can also tell him that you want for a better mother-son relationship and that it is only possible if he wants it too.
Then you create enough distance to keep yourself safe while you check in with him every now and then. If he is still being hurtful, you pull back and give it another pause. Stay firm to your boundaries for your safety.
Like Jonathan mentions below, being hurtful to a parent is damaging to his psyche. He is internalizing that he is a bad person and he is also embodying his father. He will eventually need to ask himself if he will be his own person or if he will become someone like his father.
At 17, these are questions you can ask him.
He needs to see you thriving and succeeding. I am working on an article about this but I haven't finished it yet. Stay tuned for it and I will share it once it is ready.
All have the right to protect themselves from abuse, and walking away, even from our own alienated children, could be necessary....I did, after 17 years of struggle and being the target of my daughter's abusive behavior.
Perhaps one thing to keep in mind: Your son is young enough, and still developmentally incomplete enough, that mistreating you is also harming himself...at a deep, psycho-emotional level. It will later, if not now, be the burden of shame he will have to either resolve or carry with him.
100% agree. Well said Jonathan.
Thanks Jonathan. It is true that by hurting me he is adding to the sack of things he needs to resolve. I did draw some boundaries after reflecting over the past few weeks. I don’t want him to add to the sack. And I think he will learn - he is thoughtful. I am helping him know that I am here with love but not for disrespect. What’s hard is thinking of ways to convey love. Thanks for sharing and your thoughts.
Just to add another note to my response: I have, from the beginning of this tragedy so many years ago, been primarily concerned (deeply troubled), by how my daughter would ultimately be affected, not only by what the alienator was doing, but what she was doing to herself.
It isn’t just insensitive commentary on my part.
I keep asking myself, and anyone else: "just what happens to any child, especially the youngest and most vulnerable, who reject and abandon a parent they had once loved unconditionally".
While setting tight boundaries was self-protective, I also needed some way to protect her from herself.
Doing so is, or could appear to be, a hard-hearted thing to do, and doesn’t mean I do not suffer the loss and grief every (every) day. But there is another equally painful, and perhaps even risky objective:
Lowenstein (1999) offers the position that:
“The development of a conscience about the treatment the child has meted out to the Alienated Parent needs to be made with the child in order to alter his or feelings toward the alienated parent…In extreme cases of PAS, it may be necessary to resort to ‘anti-psychological’ approaches and make the child actually feel guilty for the way he/she behaves towards the alienated parent. Such feelings of guilt can have a positive effect in removing the alienator’s influences on the child”
Even though I adamantly agree with that point, I suggested that it has been risky in my situation because, in my opinion, it requires an objective professional to negotiate that strategy with the alienated child (not the alienated parent). But, that has never been possible, so I have been the one left to do the work.
I am not unaware of the risks involved, but Lowenstein’s point should be considered by all who are involved with parental alienation and working to resolve it.
Yes, it does require a professional and system that thrives on seeking the truth. When the system is ill equipped to deal with the brainwashing there is only so much a rejected parent can do - because the bias in the kid(s) has been ingrained. It is heartbreaking. At the end I will be happy if my son finds his own sense of well being.
Thanks Andrew. It’s helpful to get your perspective too - it’s the long game of
parenting.
Perfect timing. I am hanging on by a thread…..SO VERY grateful for this, makes it easier to cope. Thank you!!
Much love to you HoneyBee, I appreciate your support and know that I am here to help as much as I can. Any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! I might even turn it into a future article.
Bless you. I would like to ask you something about what just happened. My heart is beating so fast - I actually just had a long awaited phone call with my son. It’s heartbreaking because the brainwashing is so screamingly evident I’m just overwhelmed. I just was wondering if I could ask you a question here or if I should email. Thank you so much.
Feel free to ask here or via email if it is personal. I am happy to help and share insights and if the core challenge is big enough, I may even turn that into an article as well. Let me know!
Going to email you now if you don’t mind. Thank you Andrew. 👏🏼
The title of the article 🙏🏼❤️🩹🥺…. It’s my goal, it’s the bottom line, my prayer.
Thanks for writing another great article on how to incentivize a transformative experience in the alienated child, and get past the trauma, with a mindset shift. Why do think the transformative happened with you?, when so many other alienated children never have the transformative experience, even decades later. Do you think you were prepared (pre-planned) to have the experience somehow? or genetics , or luck? Or perhaps don't know.
I don’t know if I can narrow it down to one particular experience, but here are what I think contributed to it.
Firstly, my alienator tried to use the same tactics against my father when she was divorcing him as she had used when alienating me from my mother. The accusations she made did not align with what I had experienced, so I started to doubt her.
Second, I developed an interest in personal development and psychology when I was 13, and that little bit of psychology 101 reading helped me learn to be more introspective.
Thirdly, I had a series of negative experiences with my alienator that made it easier for me to leave her. For example, in my article, Finding Love After Alienation Part 1, I mentioned how my alienator was directly involved in my first teenage relationship breakup. I was reflecting on experiences like that and reached a point where I realized I would never be able to live my own life if I were stuck under her.
The healing process afterward from alienation was a combination of personal development and introspection, plus learning to build a new relationship with my mother.
How many years after your breakup with Celine, did it take you to leave the house of your alienator? Obviously your questions (and skepticism) about statements vs reality, and searching for an authentic self started earlier than Celine, but can you identify the moment you decided to break free? and face the dragon? I assume that moment was while you were physically still living with the alienator, and not when when you were living independently.
I was 16 when I broke up with Celine.
A core defining "face the dragon" moment happened in 2012. My father was hospitalized due to advancing MS, which was when we started to notice the adultery going on with the alienator. She would denigrate my dad while spending a great of time with another man, whom I had met and spent quite a bit of time with. They attempted to hide it by saying they were "business partners," and I was working as an intern for the alienator at the time, so I saw everything. Despite their platonic demeanor in front of me, it didn't take much to put 2 and 2 together.
When the divorce papers were served, my father needed to go back to the US for medical attention (we were in Singapore at the time). It was not something he could have done alone due to his declining condition. At first, I was resistant to the idea, especially since my youngest brother would be left behind with my alienator (he is her biological son).
Another core-defining moment was my engineering scholarship. I had a full-ride scholarship with monthly stipends totaling $800 Singapore dollars, and my alienator wanted the stipends transferred to her account for safekeeping, with a portion to support the house expenses. She has borrowed quite a bit of money from me and never paid it back, so I knew I would never get it back. There were many fights about this and it wasn't because I was irresponsible with money.
These were some of the cumulative factors that led to the decision to leave in 2013. I had just turned 18 a few months before.
Wow, no lack of evidence for a child to see. It is amazing how adept most humans are at ignoring the obvious fraud/delusions in front of them, both children and adults suffer this. Congratulations to you for seeing it!