Yeah i'm having a rough day of much crying. Nearly 60, my family of origin set in place a life filled with loneliness, more people who would use/abuse/take/abandon, and the doormat people pleasing of a person who has dragged big feelings of worthlessness. Family of origin did not like that I tried to express my own voice, stand up for younger siblings so I was cast out, shamed and blamed. Much later, they would take my two adult children into this dynamic (there are other complementary factors), something I found was not unusual.
So now I am broke, truly alone. Trying to navigate finding another apartment after having just moved a few months ago, because limited funds and being a woman on my own at my age equals being ignored, discounted and/or taken advantage of. Even if you are looking out for it, it becomes tiresome. I am so weary of fighting for my life. I know I am a good and interesting person but NOBODY KNOWS IT, despite signing up for meetups and social groups and attending semi-regularly. I am losing my spark, the thing that carried me through so many tough times. Coming up on a year since my mid 20s child burned the bridges in a flamestorm, after the last few years in gutwrenching mental health struggles which only I was by her side for, like everything else. But yeah. Guess who was discarded, again? I am hurt beyond measure. I am angry, sometimes. But mostly I feel defeated by my life and dearly want to find a way out of this and back to a self that saw possibilities. Too busy surviving. Again.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Surviving all these different challenges at once is exhausting, and I can only imagine the mental, physical, and psychological strain that is being put on you.
It sounds like a part of you still believes it is possible to live life on your own terms. Start with the smallest things first - make sure you have a safe place to stay, food to eat, and enough money to take care of yourself. Slowly work your way up so that you can rebuild your confidence.
You are worthy of love. And you are worthy of a life on your terms.
Yeah i'm having a rough day of much crying. Nearly 60, my family of origin set in place a life filled with loneliness, more people who would use/abuse/take/abandon, and the doormat people pleasing of a person who has dragged big feelings of worthlessness. Family of origin did not like that I tried to express my own voice, stand up for younger siblings so I was cast out, shamed and blamed. Much later, they would take my two adult children into this dynamic (there are other complementary factors), something I found was not unusual.
So now I am broke, truly alone. Trying to navigate finding another apartment after having just moved a few months ago, because limited funds and being a woman on my own at my age equals being ignored, discounted and/or taken advantage of. Even if you are looking out for it, it becomes tiresome. I am so weary of fighting for my life. I know I am a good and interesting person but NOBODY KNOWS IT, despite signing up for meetups and social groups and attending semi-regularly. I am losing my spark, the thing that carried me through so many tough times. Coming up on a year since my mid 20s child burned the bridges in a flamestorm, after the last few years in gutwrenching mental health struggles which only I was by her side for, like everything else. But yeah. Guess who was discarded, again? I am hurt beyond measure. I am angry, sometimes. But mostly I feel defeated by my life and dearly want to find a way out of this and back to a self that saw possibilities. Too busy surviving. Again.
If you haven't had a chance, read this article I wrote and let me know if it helped.
https://redthread.andrewfolkler.com/p/finding-meaning-in-alienation-when?r=2xd6v
I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Surviving all these different challenges at once is exhausting, and I can only imagine the mental, physical, and psychological strain that is being put on you.
It sounds like a part of you still believes it is possible to live life on your own terms. Start with the smallest things first - make sure you have a safe place to stay, food to eat, and enough money to take care of yourself. Slowly work your way up so that you can rebuild your confidence.
You are worthy of love. And you are worthy of a life on your terms.