Finding Meaning in Alienation When All Hope is Lost
Lessons from Dr. Viktor Frankl after surviving the Holocaust - STRT Feb 2025
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
~ Viktor Frankl, Author of Man’s Search for Meaning
Auschwitz, 1944
Dr. Viktor Frankl and his wife were among the millions of Jews who were deported to the Nazi concentration camp in Auschwitz, Germany during WWII. At the camp, he and his wife were separated, and thus began Viktor’s journey of witnessing one of the worst demonstrations of human brutality in history.
As a psychoanalyst, Viktor Frankl was no stranger to treating trauma, and he had been developing a psychotherapeutic model known as logotherapy. Walking into Auschwitz, he carried only one belonging remaining of his past life—his manuscript for his book on Logotherapy. The Nazis took it away immediately, along with his clothes, and burned it.
In the concentration camp, Viktor noticed a pattern in the way other prisoners behaved when facing the abuse and trauma of the Nazis.
He broke it down into three stages.
Stage 1: Shock and Disorientation
Stage 2: Apathy
Stage 3: Disillusionment
At the end of WWII, Viktor Frankl was freed from Auschwitz and he took these findings and wrote one of the most important books on human psychology, Man’s Search for Meaning.
While the atrocities of the Nazi concentration camps are very different from alienation, I find there to be many lessons that we can extract from Viktor’s thesis. The alienated parent and child find themselves in a sort of prison. Their ability to be authentic to themselves is shattered by the trauma and pain caused by the abusive parent. And the path to freedom begins with finding purpose in the face of absurdity.
How Alienation Impacts Parents and Kids
Stage 1: Shock and Disorientation
Alienation begins before the official collapse of the relationship. A toxic parent might casually make derogatory remarks about the other parent long before divorce is filed. Their behavior might be seen as normal in the household.
Once alienation begins, the child and the targeted parent experience their own forms of shock and disorientation.
The targeted parent is overwhelmed by the daily responsibilities of life (work, self-care, and parenting) and the collapse of their relationship. Their energy is directed to managing their soon-to-be ex-partner’s emotional outbursts, accusations, and attacks. It does not take long for the targeted parent to feel completely lost. The person they fell in love with is gone, replaced by someone vindictive and hurtful.
For the child, the separation puts them into survival mode. The child unconsciously listens to the parent who has more authority, even if that is the abusive parent. The abusive parent will give the child a warped perspective of the separation, making it easy to blame the targeted parent for everything that is going wrong.
As the alienation progresses, the targeted parent has to scramble to reestablish their finances, living situation, and custody of their children while processing their own emotions. Add in the stress of their own child turning against them, and the parent is left bewildered with no idea what to do next.
Stage 2: Apathy
As alienation progresses, both the child and the targeted parent experience some form of apathy.
For the targeted parent, all the things they used to be able to do as a parent no longer work. The child does not respect them or listen to them. Anytime the parent tries to open up a conversation, the child shuts it down.
When everything stops working, parents may go online looking for answers. They may find thousands of parents in Facebook groups sharing their communication challenges with other parents.
Years go by with little to no progress. In many cases, the child has chosen to go no contact with the targeted parent for years. At some point, all severely alienated parents ask themselves, “Do I just give up?”
In the end, some parents lose hope of reconnecting with their children and accept that their children will never contact them. The pain of tolerating their child’s absence is less than the pain of continuous rejection.
Alienated children experience apathy differently. After the shock of the divorce/separation, they attach themselves to the parent who demonstrates the strength and leadership to protect them. This is pure survival instinct.
As children, they cannot discern manipulation from leadership. They lack the insight and experience to know how to care for themselves, so they trust the parent who has the confidence to provide them with structure and direction.
Life with an abusive parent is never easy. A parent willing to alienate their own children from another parent is also likely to use many other abuse tactics to control the child. The child learns quickly to become an obedient shell of themselves. They suppress their true identity in favor of their own survival.
For the alienated child, apathy begins within themselves. They ignore their own interests and passions to cater to their abuser. In doing so, the child’s achievements are credited to the abusive parent, while their failures are blamed on the child.
To feel anything is too exhausting for the alienated child. Outside of alienation, a child has other facets of their life to balance like school, friends, romantic interests, and personal hobbies. It is far easier to get lost in the world of school or video games than it is to process your feelings about the family breakdown.
But the biggest challenge for the alienated child is that they confuse apathy for peace. When the alienated parent reaches out to the child, it feels like a disturbance of their peace. The abusive parent is more likely to get angry and may even punish the alienated child. This sudden shift jolts the child into survival mode, often leading to them rejecting the alienated parent to return to a stable state of apathy.
Stage 3: Disillusionment
Every adult survivor of alienation has told me the same thing… after realizing the truth about alienation, they were furious. Not just angry or frustrated, but bitter rage burning like wildfire.
When the Jews were freed from the concentration camps after WWII, they too, were angry. Many lost their families and livelihoods and endured unspeakable brutality for years. And some were so hurt they stopped caring about the impact of their actions. The world had hurt them, so they felt they had a right to show the world the pain they had endured. This was part of the journey to heal.
One of the biggest challenges the alienated child has to overcome is to learn how to see the world from the lens of a regular person instead of a traumatized child. Throughout the alienation, the child learns to read facial cues and shifts in energy to avoid being targeted for any abuse.
These skills are incredibly valuable as a survival mechanism in this setting. However, the rest of the world operates differently. A person who lies because they don’t want to look stupid in a group setting is very different from someone who gaslights you. A boss who lacks empathy and focuses solely on their professional growth is not automatically a narcissist.
When someone behaves in a way that reminds the formerly alienated child of their abuser, they quickly burn the bridges, fearing they might get swept up in another manipulative relationship.
Disillusionment takes a different form for the alienated parent. If the alienation has gone on for several years, there is a huge loss of time that can never be recovered. Some parents might even find it strange to step back into the role of a parent again. If your child has grown up without you, your natural parental authority doesn’t feel the same.
You might ask yourself, “What role do I play now as a parent for my child?”
Healing from the trauma of alienation requires that both the parent and child acknowledge the following things:
While the opportunity to spend time together in the past has passed, there is still an opportunity to build a relationship now.
Do not attribute malice to what could be a mistake or misunderstanding. Most of the time, people make quick decisions based on emotional impulses.
Small talk leads to big talk. There is no need to rush to discuss everything about the alienation. Instead, learn who the other person is and learn to love them in a way that supports their growth.
Both of you are on a journey of discovering meaning, truth, and purpose within your lives despite the trauma and pain you both have endured.
What Gives You Meaning?
The idea of knowing our purpose is often overwhelming, as though we should have suddenly figured it all out. But the truth is that we are often just improvising. We make the best decisions based on the moment and the information available.
What I have found is that meaning does not have to come from one thing. Rather, it can come from many smaller things that bring you joy and purpose.
I have found meaning and purpose in being a father, writer, friend, husband, and son. Somedays, the most meaningful thing I do is watch a movie with my wife. On other days, I speak on a virtual stage and support alienated parents in their reunification journey.
Meaning and purpose are never static. What is meaningful to you now may not resonate as much 10 years from now. Identifying meaning and purpose is a question we repeatedly ask ourselves throughout our lives.
As Viktor Frankl would put it, there are three ways to find meaning and purpose in life.
Creating a personal legacy.
Loving another person deeply.
Turning tragedy into personal triumph.
I believe you can do all three in your lifetime.
I highly recommend spending an afternoon reading Man’s Search for Meaning. I have read it several times, and it has been life-changing. As a bonus, I would also like to share this short interview of Viktor Frankl.
Until next time,
Andrew Folkler
P.S. For those who are still alienated from their loved ones, finding meaning in the trauma is probably the last thing you want to do. When you are in pain, the only thing you want is for the pain to go away.
In future editions of Shortening the Red Thread, I will share more actionable tips for reconnecting with your alienated child. You can also look forward to the March 2025 edition, in which I will share some communication techniques you can use immediately.
That said, I want to challenge you to explore what healing looks like in your life. Alienation doesn’t end once you have reconnected. The true ending is after you both heal from the experience. And it is much easier to guide your alienated child toward healing when you are strong and aligned within yourself.
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Thank you for your courage and sharing your insights and journey. It is a gift to many.
Both my adult children have now become alienated from me. In my early 30s son, he was cultivated over the course of a year, unbeknownst to me, by his father when he was a young teen. We did not see or speak for 10 years. Then he came around from time to time, birthdays holidays for a handful of years but was always stoned. Got married during COVID, and unbeknowst to me was in contact with my sister, who has been chief of my family of origin's scapegoating of me.
My mid 20s daughter, raised by me with no family support (just like with my son) had endured various childhood trauams incl SA, abandoment by her father and her brother who abruptly left when she was 6. Grew up with chronic health conditions later learned to be genetic in origin. Then she developed serious mental illness and borderline, in mid high school through last year.
There has never been anyone on my side, my children never saw evidence of this. So I became the only one they could blame and throw away, which is what happened with my daughter as well, who also was contacted by my sister (learned this later), and suprise suprise...after a horrific malicious discard last summer on her way to senior year of college, has been no contact with me.
So no. I do not hold out hope they will ever be a part of my life in the future. Now I am 60 broke, never any time to form community or long term friendships or relationships. Alone. Cheers.