How to Talk With Your Alienated Child When They Don't Want to Talk To You
Lessons from FBI Hostage Negotiators - STRT March 2025
“Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question.”
~ Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It”
The Disconnect in Communication with Alienated Kids
For many parents, one of the biggest hurdles in alienation is getting their kids to even communicate with them.
In severe cases of alienation, the child refuses to engage in conversation, and the alienated parent is left exasperated. Some parents try to flex their authority, only to discover that the child doesn’t care. In their minds, they have already removed you from the role of mother or father.
As time goes on, the conversations are getting shorter and less frequent. Your kids might ignore your messages, and if you are lucky, respond to them after a week. Some kids block your phone number and social media profiles, erasing you completely.
The abusive parent enforces the physical and emotional distance through the alienation. Your child parrots the insults and accusations that their abusive parent likely said to them first.
In cases where the alienated child can spend time with you, they might provoke you into an argument. Some kids are told heinous things about you, and when they visit, they demand answers as if they were your judge, jury, and executioner. Teenagers who are victims of violence might also mimic their abuser, projecting their pain onto you through aggressive and violent behavior.
Fights and arguments become a recurring theme when your alienated child communicates with you. In extreme situations, police or CPS get involved, turning a molehill into a mountain.
These frequent conflicts are intentional. They are intended to wear you down until you give up communication altogether while simultaneously reinforcing the negative accusations made against you.
Over time, many parents lose hope and live life numb from the pain.
So, how do you talk to someone who:
Wants absolutely nothing to do with you
Believes the most heinous lies about you
And thinks you are a danger to their well-being?
Let’s start with a few hostage negotiation techniques from the FBI.
Alienation is like a hostage negotiation where the hostage has developed extreme Stockholm Syndrome. Your child is simultaneously the prisoner and the prison guard. As a result, they showcase the trauma of being manipulated while also defending their abuser.
When hostages are trapped in a building with armed terrorists, the FBI follows specific protocols to ensure the safety of the hostages. They do not antagonize the terrorists, nor do they assume they will play fair. Hostage negotiations are highly volatile. The terrorist is like a cornered rat, terrified that the authorities will hurt them. All it takes is a split second of overwhelming emotion for them to commit heinous acts against the hostages.
Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, shares many stories of hostage negotiations in his book, “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It.”
The moment a hostage negotiator begins communication with a terrorist, the clock begins. The hostage negotiator must build rapport with someone highly volatile with every reason to distrust them. And they have to do it fast so that they can rescue the hostages.
Building rapport requires learning as much as possible about the other person. This conversation is not like a date. There is no bonding over dinner and asking, “So, what is your favorite movie?”
Any question that they ask the terrorist could lead them to feel afraid, which could result in communication being shut down or, worse, harm to the hostages. Additionally, they don’t want to share any information with the terrorists that would give them an edge.
Despite all this, terrorists are still human. They may have terrible behaviors, but the universal elements of being human still apply. They want to be understood at an emotional level, and that angle is how you reach your alienated child.
In his book, Chris Voss shares two fundamental techniques for building rapport: Labels and Mirrors. These will be the bread and butter of your communication with your alienated child.
Labels
A label is an inference you make based on what someone else is telling you.
For example, if someone is excited as they tell you about attending a Taylor Swift concert, you could label it as:
“It sounds like you really like Taylor Swift’s music.”
A label is where you use empathy to make a statement about someone while subtly inviting them to confirm whether or not it is true.
Rather than ask a direct question like, “Do you like Taylor Swift?” you are casually making a statement. It doesn’t feel like you are asking for answers, and it organically stimulates conversation.
Furthermore, labels help you hide your questions with empathy. Too many questions in a row, and the conversation feels like a job interview or an interrogation. So, how do you ask a bunch of questions without asking any questions?
You use a label. Here is how you can quickly come up with a label.
Labels always start like this:
It seems like…
It sounds like…
It looks like…
It feels like…
When you construct a label, you are using empathy to make an educated guess about what the other person is feeling. If the other person says, “Yeah, that’s right” or “Yes, and…” you are golden.
If they totally disagree with you, then that is also a win, because it gives you more clarity around their thoughts.
One of the biggest disadvantages of alienation is that the targeted parents lack context and information about their child. However, when they ask the child questions, they are left with insults instead of insight.
By switching from asking questions to labeling the child’s thoughts and feelings, the parent has a greater chance of extracting what the child is really thinking.
Mirrors
Mirrors are a repetition of 1-3 words from what someone has said.
For example, if someone were to say, “My favorite guitar player is David Gilmour.”
You could respond with a mirror like, “David Gilmour?”
Using the words that someone else has spoken as a question does the following things:
It invites them to elaborate on what they are talking about.
It shows the person you are trying to understand them by using their language.
It is an act of respect and understanding, making them feel heard and valued.
Additionally, in negotiations or challenging discussions, mirroring can open up new avenues for understanding and ultimately lead to more creative solutions.
The technique is very subtle and incredibly powerful for communication.
“Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.”
~ Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
How to Use Labels and Mirrors in Your Communication
I watch this video at least twice a year. It is the best video I have found that shows a live demonstration of labels and mirrors, and you can see just how powerful they are in action.
The most common thing I see is an alienated child will say something hurtful and insulting, and the targeted parent immediately gets defensive. The child might say things like:
I hate you, or I don’t love you
You are not my mom/dad. You are just a sperm or an egg donor
You are crazy/unwell/unstable.
You are a drug addict/alcoholic/useless person etc.
You are a liar/cheater/hypocrite etc.
You are the reason for the divorce, or you did [insert horrible accusation], and it is your fault.
Targeted parents hear this and get emotionally riled up. They don’t want their child to view them in that light and will fixate on trying to persuade them these things are false or at least more nuanced than the child believes.
However, this never works. You are trying to bring logic to an emotional conversation, and anyone who says that “Facts don’t care about your feelings” is missing the most important piece of the conversation. Your alienated child will not care if you claim the logical high ground. To them, you are as trustworthy as a conspiracy theorist. They believe you have dastardly ulterior motives.
Feelings matter in alienation, and they are unavoidable. Unfortunately, your child is not in a place to listen to your feelings, and you must be in the right headspace to guide them through theirs.
That is why you need to use labels and mirrors in your conversation. Instead of giving power to insults and accusations, you channel your curiosity. Explore how much your child understands and invite them to articulate what they are upset about. In doing so, you gain clarity around their feelings and show them that you understand them.
You don’t rush to speak after they say something. Instead, you sit with them in their emotions and try to understand their intentions and feelings through tactical empathy.
Once they feel validated, they will be more willing to open up to you. This may not happen immediately, but the effect will compound over time.
I must reiterate that this is not a time to share your feelings and thoughts. In normal circumstances, two people exchange information equally in a conversation. However, these are not normal circumstances.
Alienated children cannot reunite when they are trapped in the jaws of the abusive parent. They have to wait for when it is safe. Often, that means waiting until they are independent. If your child has positive memories of you being understanding and empathetic, they will remember that and will be more likely to reunite with you when they are ready.
“The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas.”
~ Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
Here is an Example of Using Labels and Mirrors in Alienation
Let’s say your child is accusing you of being the reason they are miserable, and they say it is all your fault. Your child is struggling in school, which leads them to get in trouble with the alienator for having bad grades. As a punishment, they are constantly being yelled at and cannot go to soccer practice until their grades are up.
The wrong things to do are:
Apologizing for things you did not do.
Dismissing their feelings with logic (e.g., “I am sorry you feel that way, but it is not true.”)
Getting emotional and retaliating (e.g., “Why are you blaming me? You made these choices. Your [alienating parent] is the reason you are unhappy, not me.)
These responses only deepen the child's anguish. You must remain in an executive state; otherwise, you risk escalating the conversation into an argument.
Returning to the example, let’s explore how you can respond with labels and mirrors. (The child’s voice will be angry, but the read the parent’s voice as a low, calm, and slow voice, like a late-night FM radio DJ)
Child: I hate you. Everything is your fault and I don’t want to talk to you.
Parent: “You feel it is my fault?” (Mirror)Child: Yes. Because you cheated on dad. You don’t care about this family.
Parent: “It sounds like you are under a lot of stress.” (Label)
Child: Of course, I am stressed. Because of you, I can’t focus on school and I am failing math.
Parent: Failing math? (Mirror)
Child: Yeah. Every time I go to school, my brain shuts down.
Parent: It sounds like your mind is focused on other more important things. (Label)
Child: Dad said if I don’t start getting A’s in math, I can’t go to soccer practice.
Parent: It sounds like you are worried about letting the team down. (Label)
Child: Yeah.
Parent: How about I help you with math so you can go to soccer practice?
In this example, no attention is given to the insults or accusations. If your child is fixated on something, then you can respond with a label or mirror about that thing to help them process their emotions about it. Speak slowly and calmly, channeling curiosity even if the insult hurts.
Again, the point is to draw out the child’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions. Doing so gives you clarity about what they are thinking, and it gives you more options to solve the issue. Children’s brains only develop fully when they are about 25. Thus, they struggle to articulate their emotions. That is why you need to master these techniques to help them articulate what they really need.
Practice Labels and Mirrors Everyday Until it is Second Nature.
Labels and mirrors are invaluable in communicating with your alienated child, and the best part is that you can apply them to any conversation.
Start by practicing at work and home, and practice with your friends. If you like to read or listen to audiobooks, I would also encourage you to read Chris Voss’s book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It.
This book contains so many great communication insights (e.g., late-night FM DJ radio voice, What and How questions instead of Why, etc.) that I cannot cover them all in this newsletter without making it too long. If you prefer watching videos over reading, be sure to watch their videos on YouTube.
I will share a few great videos below.
First, here is his Tedx Talk—a great discussion about the power of tactical empathy.
Second, here is a video from his YouTube Channel about ultimatums. Alienated kids and alienators often give a lot of ultimatums to assert themselves. Usually, this comes from a place of deep insecurity, and Chris shares how you can navigate ultimatums.
Shortening the Red Thread Book Update
I have been doing more research about alienation, trauma psychology, and personal development to develop a clear path to shortening the red thread between you and your loved ones.
I will be putting together a questionnaire for parents, and you can expect that soon (likely in April or May). This questionnaire will ask questions like who your favorite experts are, general details about your alienation case, and what has helped you the most in your journey to reuniting with your alienated kids. I won’t ask for personal details or your alienation story, and all submissions will be anonymized.
I don’t have the questionnaire yet as I need to discuss some other details with my lawyer first before sharing it.
For now, if you would like to help me, please share this newsletter with other alienated parents and subscribe. It is completely free, and I will share all my updates here.
As always, comment with any questions or feedback below, and maybe I may turn one of your questions into a newsletter article!
Until next time,
Andrew Folkler
Thank you so much for these articles! Do you have tips on what to do/say when the child doesn't even want to talk at all?
Thank you for the great article! I heard it on The Anti Alienation Project and I am an alienated grandmother. I want to be ready in case my son's daughter comes back...which there seems to be a slim glimmer of hope that it might happen this summer. This is excellent! Would it be alright if I print it out?