I have a few article drafts that I am working on and a guiding to texting, especially when the child is avoidant is on my list - just gathering research and strategies before publishing.
Yes, thank you for all these wonderful, carefully researched articles. I have the same question.
Also, concerning this quote from your article. “Alienated children cannot reunite when they are trapped in the jaws of the abusive parent. They have to wait for when it is safe.” What are your thoughts on reunification therapy with a 16 year old son who doesn’t want to see me due to false beliefs he has of me? I’m preparing documentation for contempt of our order and will be requesting coparenting therapy but not sure about requesting reunification - if it would be helpful right now or not. Do you have any personal insights on that?
Hey Amanda - great question. Personally I have never done reunification therapy so I don’t have any experience there. That said I know people who have so I would need to conduct some interviews first to draft an article on it. Will add it to my list!
Thank you for the great article! I heard it on The Anti Alienation Project and I am an alienated grandmother. I want to be ready in case my son's daughter comes back...which there seems to be a slim glimmer of hope that it might happen this summer. This is excellent! Would it be alright if I print it out?
Thank you Beverly! Feel free to print it out and share it with your immediate community. The same applies to all the articles I write. You can read the other articles at redthread.andrewfolkler.com.
Great article! I've read his book in the past and an very familiar. I used it to negotiate with a sociopath. It was helpful to read how it relates to alienation. 'll start using this immediately.
This is a grounded and humane way to think about communication when logic and reassurance no longer work. Centering regulation, curiosity, and emotional safety makes sense when a child is operating from fear and loyalty binds rather than reason. The emphasis on staying out of defense and letting understanding come first feels especially important here.
Thank you so much Dr. Nicole Mirkin! Definitely life changing skills that can be applied virtually anywhere and strengthen connection with most people.
I heard about your work on from Madison on the Anti Alienation project and thank you for your efforts and the insights you provide, I started following you on SubStack today.
My daughter is 32 and I’ve seen her once, for an afternoon, when she was four. Her mother is an incredibly abusive woman who was so skillful at convincing everyone that I was the abuser, that my daughter has either rejected or ignored every attempt at communication from me. I can’t even get close enough for her to tell me to go away. How do you negotiate around that?
Hey Andy. Great question and it is something I have been researching for an article that I will be releasing this February. That said, I will tell you the high-level stuff for now.
At this moment, there is pretty much nothing you can say. Your daughter is protecting herself by avoiding you because there is a strong likelihood that she will be indirectly punished by her mother. It is possible that her mother is still in close proximity. This will continue until your daughter develops the autonomy to make decisions for herself and the curiosity to learn about who you truly are. Ryan Thomas (another formerly alienated child) would say, "I didn't hate you. I hated the consequences of loving you."
At this moment, you can only exercise the patience of a stoic to ensure your daughter never sees anger or other incidents that her mother might twist against you. While you maintain your composure, you focus on building yourself to be the best possible father she can receive when she is ready. Not only does this mean developing yourself professionally, emotionally, financially, and physically but also planning ahead for your daughter's growth in those key areas.
Doing this kind of preparation might seem pointless when she won't even talk to you, but here's my reasoning. An alienated child will reach a point where they have to decide whether they want to continue living under the alienator's thumb or be their own person. When that day comes... you want to be ready to recieve them and be present because she will need your help to work through years of trauma.
At 32, she is self-enforcing her alienation, but again, if her mother still has some amount of leverage on her, like emotional or financial, she will continue avoiding you. Currently, I am looking into estrangement books to see what other strategies are viable with adult children, but at the moment, the best advice I can give is be someone so empowering that she is curious to know more about you.
More in February. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful response. This tracks with what has essentially been my approach. So while it’s not new information, it is validating.
Do you have ideas of what to write to an alienated (no contact) teen girl who to a certain degree sees the toxic behavior from the alienation, she misses the parent, she asks the alienation if she can see the parent, but the alienator talks her out of it. What to text or do?
Great question! So, for starters, alienators create an environment where you have to behave a specific way, otherwise you get punished. So the challenge your child is having is that they lack the legal autonomy to make decisions for themselves and their ability to survive is heavily dependant on the alienator.
This means your child is in a state of survival mode where she has to cut contact as a means of protecting herself. This is a flight response. So the only thing you can really communicate (which is going to be unlikely to gain a response) is that you are always going to love them and that you understand why they are doing what they are doing.
If you have not read it already - check out my article Seeing through the Eyes of the Alienated Child - where I go into the inner thoughts of alienated children. It will help you construct your messages to your child.
Thank you so much for these articles! Do you have tips on what to do/say when the child doesn't even want to talk at all?
Thank you Linda!
I have a few article drafts that I am working on and a guiding to texting, especially when the child is avoidant is on my list - just gathering research and strategies before publishing.
Yes, thank you for all these wonderful, carefully researched articles. I have the same question.
Also, concerning this quote from your article. “Alienated children cannot reunite when they are trapped in the jaws of the abusive parent. They have to wait for when it is safe.” What are your thoughts on reunification therapy with a 16 year old son who doesn’t want to see me due to false beliefs he has of me? I’m preparing documentation for contempt of our order and will be requesting coparenting therapy but not sure about requesting reunification - if it would be helpful right now or not. Do you have any personal insights on that?
Hey Amanda - great question. Personally I have never done reunification therapy so I don’t have any experience there. That said I know people who have so I would need to conduct some interviews first to draft an article on it. Will add it to my list!
Thank you!
Thank you for the great article! I heard it on The Anti Alienation Project and I am an alienated grandmother. I want to be ready in case my son's daughter comes back...which there seems to be a slim glimmer of hope that it might happen this summer. This is excellent! Would it be alright if I print it out?
Thank you Beverly! Feel free to print it out and share it with your immediate community. The same applies to all the articles I write. You can read the other articles at redthread.andrewfolkler.com.
This is helpful, thanks!
Thank you Shannon! Feel free to share any questions or topics you would like covered in the future.
Thank you!!! Very helpful!
Thank you for subscribing! And happy to help. :)
Great article! I've read his book in the past and an very familiar. I used it to negotiate with a sociopath. It was helpful to read how it relates to alienation. 'll start using this immediately.
Thank you! Happy to hear this was helpful!
Very helpful! If you can continue to post about what to say/write/text to an alienated child (no physical contact), that would be great.
Perhaps also the feelings certain phrases like "I miss you" envoke in them or how it's more emotional than about facts. ❤️
I will make a note of it and draft an article about it over the summer. :)
This is a grounded and humane way to think about communication when logic and reassurance no longer work. Centering regulation, curiosity, and emotional safety makes sense when a child is operating from fear and loyalty binds rather than reason. The emphasis on staying out of defense and letting understanding come first feels especially important here.
Thank you so much Dr. Nicole Mirkin! Definitely life changing skills that can be applied virtually anywhere and strengthen connection with most people.
I heard about your work on from Madison on the Anti Alienation project and thank you for your efforts and the insights you provide, I started following you on SubStack today.
Thanks for subscribing Erik! Feel free to check out my other articles and ask any questions as I might turn them into a future article!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve learned something today due to this
Thank you Shalini! Feel free to ask any questions and I might incorporate them into future articles :)
Noted. Thank you Andrew. I will read and watch this again and remember you when such questions arise!
I am just myself. Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m in grief, sometimes I lead. I leave voice text all the time.
I am myself. So she can hear my voice in all forms.
I doing so, I trust the process and she will remember all of me.
I am not perfect and don’t do what everyone says to do as the strategy to get her to come home.
I am me. Human. Imperfect and her mother. She heard my voice when she was in my womb.
No man has this ability. No man will ever have this connection and bond.
No man can advise or understand in a significant manner.
No man can advise a mother how she will mother her child.
Thank you for your feedback.
My daughter is 32 and I’ve seen her once, for an afternoon, when she was four. Her mother is an incredibly abusive woman who was so skillful at convincing everyone that I was the abuser, that my daughter has either rejected or ignored every attempt at communication from me. I can’t even get close enough for her to tell me to go away. How do you negotiate around that?
Hey Andy. Great question and it is something I have been researching for an article that I will be releasing this February. That said, I will tell you the high-level stuff for now.
At this moment, there is pretty much nothing you can say. Your daughter is protecting herself by avoiding you because there is a strong likelihood that she will be indirectly punished by her mother. It is possible that her mother is still in close proximity. This will continue until your daughter develops the autonomy to make decisions for herself and the curiosity to learn about who you truly are. Ryan Thomas (another formerly alienated child) would say, "I didn't hate you. I hated the consequences of loving you."
At this moment, you can only exercise the patience of a stoic to ensure your daughter never sees anger or other incidents that her mother might twist against you. While you maintain your composure, you focus on building yourself to be the best possible father she can receive when she is ready. Not only does this mean developing yourself professionally, emotionally, financially, and physically but also planning ahead for your daughter's growth in those key areas.
Doing this kind of preparation might seem pointless when she won't even talk to you, but here's my reasoning. An alienated child will reach a point where they have to decide whether they want to continue living under the alienator's thumb or be their own person. When that day comes... you want to be ready to recieve them and be present because she will need your help to work through years of trauma.
At 32, she is self-enforcing her alienation, but again, if her mother still has some amount of leverage on her, like emotional or financial, she will continue avoiding you. Currently, I am looking into estrangement books to see what other strategies are viable with adult children, but at the moment, the best advice I can give is be someone so empowering that she is curious to know more about you.
More in February. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful response. This tracks with what has essentially been my approach. So while it’s not new information, it is validating.
Do you have ideas of what to write to an alienated (no contact) teen girl who to a certain degree sees the toxic behavior from the alienation, she misses the parent, she asks the alienation if she can see the parent, but the alienator talks her out of it. What to text or do?
Great question! So, for starters, alienators create an environment where you have to behave a specific way, otherwise you get punished. So the challenge your child is having is that they lack the legal autonomy to make decisions for themselves and their ability to survive is heavily dependant on the alienator.
This means your child is in a state of survival mode where she has to cut contact as a means of protecting herself. This is a flight response. So the only thing you can really communicate (which is going to be unlikely to gain a response) is that you are always going to love them and that you understand why they are doing what they are doing.
If you have not read it already - check out my article Seeing through the Eyes of the Alienated Child - where I go into the inner thoughts of alienated children. It will help you construct your messages to your child.
https://shorteningtheredthread.substack.com/p/seeing-through-the-eyes-of-the-alienated