I have a few article drafts that I am working on and a guiding to texting, especially when the child is avoidant is on my list - just gathering research and strategies before publishing.
Yes, thank you for all these wonderful, carefully researched articles. I have the same question.
Also, concerning this quote from your article. “Alienated children cannot reunite when they are trapped in the jaws of the abusive parent. They have to wait for when it is safe.” What are your thoughts on reunification therapy with a 16 year old son who doesn’t want to see me due to false beliefs he has of me? I’m preparing documentation for contempt of our order and will be requesting coparenting therapy but not sure about requesting reunification - if it would be helpful right now or not. Do you have any personal insights on that?
Hey Amanda - great question. Personally I have never done reunification therapy so I don’t have any experience there. That said I know people who have so I would need to conduct some interviews first to draft an article on it. Will add it to my list!
It is 8 months since you asked the question about reunification, perhaps you now know how I'm going to respond. Reunification does not work. It's not designed to work. It's designed to separate you from your monetary resources. In fact the longer you and your child aren't reunited the more money they make and that's all they're interested in. Reunification therapy is just another cottage industry set up by the family courts so their BAR members have another income stream available to them. The family courts are not courts. They are businesses. The name of the business is family court. Best of luck to you.
You are definitely right that Reunification therapy will always operate from a profit motive rather than a family transformation motive.
That said, I do want to make the distinction in my own writing that when I talk about reunification, I am speaking about the general sense of reunifying the parent and child (and other family ties like Grandparents, siblings, etc) and not reunification therapy.
One thing I do know that I am happy to share as well, a former alienated child and friend of mine did her PhD on alienation and is currently a clinician. She is working on a protocol for reunification but I don't have much more details that I can share until her book is published.
Keep fighting the good fight and any questions, just feel free to ask.
I have published my article, Lighting Paper Lanterns, which includes strategies for communicating with your no-contact child. You can view it below if you have not already. Hope this helps and feel free to ask any questions.
Thank you for the great article! I heard it on The Anti Alienation Project and I am an alienated grandmother. I want to be ready in case my son's daughter comes back...which there seems to be a slim glimmer of hope that it might happen this summer. This is excellent! Would it be alright if I print it out?
Thank you Beverly! Feel free to print it out and share it with your immediate community. The same applies to all the articles I write. You can read the other articles at redthread.andrewfolkler.com.
Great article! I've read his book in the past and an very familiar. I used it to negotiate with a sociopath. It was helpful to read how it relates to alienation. 'll start using this immediately.
What stayed with me most here was the distinction between understanding someone’s emotional reality and agreeing with the story they have been given. When a child is angry with you or repeating things about you that feel completely untrue, the instinct to defend yourself and correct the record is enormous. But I can see how immediately arguing facts can turn the conversation into another place where the child feels unheard. The idea of using curiosity, labels, and mirroring to understand what is underneath the accusation instead of fighting the accusation itself feels much more useful to me. I also appreciate that empathy here is not being presented as confession or agreement. You can validate that a child is scared, angry, confused, or hurting without validating every conclusion they have reached about why. That distinction matters enormously, especially when the relationship itself has already been strained by separation, systems, other adults, or stories the child has had to make sense of without you there. I know personally how badly you can want to explain yourself when you feel like your choices and intentions have been interpreted through a version of events that does not resemble what you were actually trying to do. Learning to stay curious instead of immediately proving yourself right may be one of the hardest parts, but I can see why it could also be one of the most important. ❤️
Thank you Sacred Salt. Be sure to check out my latest article called Lighting Paper Lanterns for strategies to communicate with a no contact or severely alienated child as well.
This is a grounded and humane way to think about communication when logic and reassurance no longer work. Centering regulation, curiosity, and emotional safety makes sense when a child is operating from fear and loyalty binds rather than reason. The emphasis on staying out of defense and letting understanding come first feels especially important here.
Thank you so much Dr. Nicole Mirkin! Definitely life changing skills that can be applied virtually anywhere and strengthen connection with most people.
I heard about your work on from Madison on the Anti Alienation project and thank you for your efforts and the insights you provide, I started following you on SubStack today.
A child must separate from mom and dad. The larger "culture" is sick. So, we have a problem and its not going away with "talk." Society rules dead robots, Man wants natural life. Big difference.
Fighting culture is often framed a large abstract beast that cannot be wrangled because it is dependent on the compliance of other people. That is why I don’t bother with the usual rah-rah content that you often see in the alienation space. People have been making that kind of content long before I showed up, and almost 13 years later, it is still the same. What you can do is change the culture in your home, where you have actual power, and then let that culture ripple out into your community.
My daughter is 32 and I’ve seen her once, for an afternoon, when she was four. Her mother is an incredibly abusive woman who was so skillful at convincing everyone that I was the abuser, that my daughter has either rejected or ignored every attempt at communication from me. I can’t even get close enough for her to tell me to go away. How do you negotiate around that?
Hey Andy. Great question and it is something I have been researching for an article that I will be releasing this February. That said, I will tell you the high-level stuff for now.
At this moment, there is pretty much nothing you can say. Your daughter is protecting herself by avoiding you because there is a strong likelihood that she will be indirectly punished by her mother. It is possible that her mother is still in close proximity. This will continue until your daughter develops the autonomy to make decisions for herself and the curiosity to learn about who you truly are. Ryan Thomas (another formerly alienated child) would say, "I didn't hate you. I hated the consequences of loving you."
At this moment, you can only exercise the patience of a stoic to ensure your daughter never sees anger or other incidents that her mother might twist against you. While you maintain your composure, you focus on building yourself to be the best possible father she can receive when she is ready. Not only does this mean developing yourself professionally, emotionally, financially, and physically but also planning ahead for your daughter's growth in those key areas.
Doing this kind of preparation might seem pointless when she won't even talk to you, but here's my reasoning. An alienated child will reach a point where they have to decide whether they want to continue living under the alienator's thumb or be their own person. When that day comes... you want to be ready to recieve them and be present because she will need your help to work through years of trauma.
At 32, she is self-enforcing her alienation, but again, if her mother still has some amount of leverage on her, like emotional or financial, she will continue avoiding you. Currently, I am looking into estrangement books to see what other strategies are viable with adult children, but at the moment, the best advice I can give is be someone so empowering that she is curious to know more about you.
More in February. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful response. This tracks with what has essentially been my approach. So while it’s not new information, it is validating.
Thank you so much for these articles! Do you have tips on what to do/say when the child doesn't even want to talk at all?
Thank you Linda!
I have a few article drafts that I am working on and a guiding to texting, especially when the child is avoidant is on my list - just gathering research and strategies before publishing.
Yes, thank you for all these wonderful, carefully researched articles. I have the same question.
Also, concerning this quote from your article. “Alienated children cannot reunite when they are trapped in the jaws of the abusive parent. They have to wait for when it is safe.” What are your thoughts on reunification therapy with a 16 year old son who doesn’t want to see me due to false beliefs he has of me? I’m preparing documentation for contempt of our order and will be requesting coparenting therapy but not sure about requesting reunification - if it would be helpful right now or not. Do you have any personal insights on that?
Hey Amanda - great question. Personally I have never done reunification therapy so I don’t have any experience there. That said I know people who have so I would need to conduct some interviews first to draft an article on it. Will add it to my list!
Thank you!
It is 8 months since you asked the question about reunification, perhaps you now know how I'm going to respond. Reunification does not work. It's not designed to work. It's designed to separate you from your monetary resources. In fact the longer you and your child aren't reunited the more money they make and that's all they're interested in. Reunification therapy is just another cottage industry set up by the family courts so their BAR members have another income stream available to them. The family courts are not courts. They are businesses. The name of the business is family court. Best of luck to you.
Hey Johnny,
You are definitely right that Reunification therapy will always operate from a profit motive rather than a family transformation motive.
That said, I do want to make the distinction in my own writing that when I talk about reunification, I am speaking about the general sense of reunifying the parent and child (and other family ties like Grandparents, siblings, etc) and not reunification therapy.
One thing I do know that I am happy to share as well, a former alienated child and friend of mine did her PhD on alienation and is currently a clinician. She is working on a protocol for reunification but I don't have much more details that I can share until her book is published.
Keep fighting the good fight and any questions, just feel free to ask.
Hey Linda!
I have published my article, Lighting Paper Lanterns, which includes strategies for communicating with your no-contact child. You can view it below if you have not already. Hope this helps and feel free to ask any questions.
https://redthread.andrewfolkler.com/p/lighting-paper-lanterns
This is a very helpful article Andrew! I am glad I found you! I saw you on one of Madi’s videos! Your blogs are amazing! Subscribed! 🚀
Thank you Sonia! Please feel free to ask any questions and share these articles with people in your community who you think it will help :)
Thank you for the great article! I heard it on The Anti Alienation Project and I am an alienated grandmother. I want to be ready in case my son's daughter comes back...which there seems to be a slim glimmer of hope that it might happen this summer. This is excellent! Would it be alright if I print it out?
Thank you Beverly! Feel free to print it out and share it with your immediate community. The same applies to all the articles I write. You can read the other articles at redthread.andrewfolkler.com.
This is helpful, thanks!
Thank you Shannon! Feel free to share any questions or topics you would like covered in the future.
Thank you!!! Very helpful!
Thank you for subscribing! And happy to help. :)
Great article! I've read his book in the past and an very familiar. I used it to negotiate with a sociopath. It was helpful to read how it relates to alienation. 'll start using this immediately.
Thank you! Happy to hear this was helpful!
Very helpful! If you can continue to post about what to say/write/text to an alienated child (no physical contact), that would be great.
Perhaps also the feelings certain phrases like "I miss you" envoke in them or how it's more emotional than about facts. ❤️
I will make a note of it and draft an article about it over the summer. :)
What stayed with me most here was the distinction between understanding someone’s emotional reality and agreeing with the story they have been given. When a child is angry with you or repeating things about you that feel completely untrue, the instinct to defend yourself and correct the record is enormous. But I can see how immediately arguing facts can turn the conversation into another place where the child feels unheard. The idea of using curiosity, labels, and mirroring to understand what is underneath the accusation instead of fighting the accusation itself feels much more useful to me. I also appreciate that empathy here is not being presented as confession or agreement. You can validate that a child is scared, angry, confused, or hurting without validating every conclusion they have reached about why. That distinction matters enormously, especially when the relationship itself has already been strained by separation, systems, other adults, or stories the child has had to make sense of without you there. I know personally how badly you can want to explain yourself when you feel like your choices and intentions have been interpreted through a version of events that does not resemble what you were actually trying to do. Learning to stay curious instead of immediately proving yourself right may be one of the hardest parts, but I can see why it could also be one of the most important. ❤️
Good article. Thank you.
Thank you! Be sure to check out my other articles for more strategies around reunification. :)
So helpful. This is so hard to understand and navigate.
Thank you Sacred Salt. Be sure to check out my latest article called Lighting Paper Lanterns for strategies to communicate with a no contact or severely alienated child as well.
Thank you for this
Absolutely! Happy it helped. :)
This is a grounded and humane way to think about communication when logic and reassurance no longer work. Centering regulation, curiosity, and emotional safety makes sense when a child is operating from fear and loyalty binds rather than reason. The emphasis on staying out of defense and letting understanding come first feels especially important here.
Thank you so much Dr. Nicole Mirkin! Definitely life changing skills that can be applied virtually anywhere and strengthen connection with most people.
I heard about your work on from Madison on the Anti Alienation project and thank you for your efforts and the insights you provide, I started following you on SubStack today.
Thanks for subscribing Erik! Feel free to check out my other articles and ask any questions as I might turn them into a future article!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve learned something today due to this
Thank you Shalini! Feel free to ask any questions and I might incorporate them into future articles :)
Noted. Thank you Andrew. I will read and watch this again and remember you when such questions arise!
Wow! This was extremely helpful! Thank you so much!
A child must separate from mom and dad. The larger "culture" is sick. So, we have a problem and its not going away with "talk." Society rules dead robots, Man wants natural life. Big difference.
Fighting culture is often framed a large abstract beast that cannot be wrangled because it is dependent on the compliance of other people. That is why I don’t bother with the usual rah-rah content that you often see in the alienation space. People have been making that kind of content long before I showed up, and almost 13 years later, it is still the same. What you can do is change the culture in your home, where you have actual power, and then let that culture ripple out into your community.
I am just myself. Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m in grief, sometimes I lead. I leave voice text all the time.
I am myself. So she can hear my voice in all forms.
I doing so, I trust the process and she will remember all of me.
I am not perfect and don’t do what everyone says to do as the strategy to get her to come home.
I am me. Human. Imperfect and her mother. She heard my voice when she was in my womb.
No man has this ability. No man will ever have this connection and bond.
No man can advise or understand in a significant manner.
No man can advise a mother how she will mother her child.
Thank you for your feedback.
My daughter is 32 and I’ve seen her once, for an afternoon, when she was four. Her mother is an incredibly abusive woman who was so skillful at convincing everyone that I was the abuser, that my daughter has either rejected or ignored every attempt at communication from me. I can’t even get close enough for her to tell me to go away. How do you negotiate around that?
Hey Andy. Great question and it is something I have been researching for an article that I will be releasing this February. That said, I will tell you the high-level stuff for now.
At this moment, there is pretty much nothing you can say. Your daughter is protecting herself by avoiding you because there is a strong likelihood that she will be indirectly punished by her mother. It is possible that her mother is still in close proximity. This will continue until your daughter develops the autonomy to make decisions for herself and the curiosity to learn about who you truly are. Ryan Thomas (another formerly alienated child) would say, "I didn't hate you. I hated the consequences of loving you."
At this moment, you can only exercise the patience of a stoic to ensure your daughter never sees anger or other incidents that her mother might twist against you. While you maintain your composure, you focus on building yourself to be the best possible father she can receive when she is ready. Not only does this mean developing yourself professionally, emotionally, financially, and physically but also planning ahead for your daughter's growth in those key areas.
Doing this kind of preparation might seem pointless when she won't even talk to you, but here's my reasoning. An alienated child will reach a point where they have to decide whether they want to continue living under the alienator's thumb or be their own person. When that day comes... you want to be ready to recieve them and be present because she will need your help to work through years of trauma.
At 32, she is self-enforcing her alienation, but again, if her mother still has some amount of leverage on her, like emotional or financial, she will continue avoiding you. Currently, I am looking into estrangement books to see what other strategies are viable with adult children, but at the moment, the best advice I can give is be someone so empowering that she is curious to know more about you.
More in February. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
Thank you for such a detailed and thoughtful response. This tracks with what has essentially been my approach. So while it’s not new information, it is validating.