Finding Love after Alienation Part III

How alienators shape your perception of the world and what you can do to reignite your inner spark for life - STRT September 2025

“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

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This article is the final article of a 3-part mini-series titled, Finding Love After Alienation. If you have not read the first two parts, you can do so below.

• Finding Love After Alienation Part I

• Finding Love After Alienation Part II

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Love is Sometimes Delusional

Throughout the best stories in our existence, there is a continual existential tug-of-war between optimism and pessimism, especially after great trauma.

After so much pain, disappointment, and loss, what’s the point? Where do you find the strength to continue moving forward after all that has happened? When we are born, the world is full of wonder and excitement. Now that we are adults, the magic has faded away, and the world seems to be filled with hypocrisy, malice, and apathy.

Leading you to think, “Why should I care anymore?”

It reminds me of the quote by Detective Somerset at the end of the movie Se7en where he says:

“Ernest Hemingway once wrote, 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' I agree with the second part.”

Even outside the Prison of our mind, the world is filled with endless stories of war, death, destruction, loss, illness, and betrayal. It often feels like there is no place to hide from it all, and you are bombarded until you are numb to the pain of others. It feels like no one cares about your pain, so why care about others?

Apathy grows like a cancer until it takes hold in other parts of your life. Relationships are left to decay, your professional life fizzles out, and your energy drops to depressing levels.

At the end, all that is left is to crawl into a hole and die.

But despite all the pain and agony of existence, there always seems to be a chance for a spark. Even when you might be at the darkest bottom of a sunken place, you might feel a tinge of hope that if you stood up one more time, maybe you could pull yourself out of this mess.

You hold on to the things that matter most, enduring the climb out of the pit of depression, to stand on the principles that you believe in. This is not logical. You could argue that this behavior is delusional. After failing so many times, the math says it is statistically impossible, yet you still hold on to the belief that you can do it.

It is the same type of faith and inner resolve that Samwise Gamgee held at the end of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, where he says:

“It's like the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. I know now folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't.

They kept going because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.”

There is no proof that things will get better after trauma. But if you believe in it enough and you take the steps towards building a better life, you can reshape the reality of your life.

When I first started writing about how alienation attacks our capacity to love, I realized that romance was only one part of the entire equation. It hinders our ability to love as a family, and on a broader level, it affects our ability to feel love for the world.

Once you have seen the world’s capacity for malice, manipulation, and the sheer apathy for those who are trampled by others, it is painfully easy to say that you now see the world clearly for what it is.

A cesspool of debauchery, narcissism, and betrayal, veiled behind hypocrisy and a facade of performative morality.

But the thing is that if you live in a world where all you see are the vices of humanity, then vice is all you will see. Seeing the world from a bitter and nihilistic view cultivates an environment where you have created your own version of hell.

You might ask me, “Andrew, what good is love for the world when my child was taken from me? What good is love for the world when my entire life has been destroyed?”

These are valid questions and ones I don’t take lightly.

You will find that your worldview will create an environment where your pain defines your day-to-day life. Not only will this leave you exhausted and hurt, but it also reduces your threshold for what is deemed acceptable. In other words, you are more likely to accept less good things in your life because you have determined the world has nothing good left to give.

This leads to what the writer Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation,” where you surrender to the discomfort of a life you never wanted. Such a life numbs you into apathy. You stop trying to explore the limits of your creativity and growth. Years go by, and you will find yourself trapped in a fixed point in time.

Even if your own well-being is an afterthought, your child will see the environment you live in and will be repulsed by it. The world of the alienator is usually hostile and dangerous, but the alienated child will not jump from the frying pan into the fire of your depression. Your own well-being and your child’s well-being are interconnected. You must lead first so that your child can follow in your footsteps.

Life with an abusive person like the alienator puts the child in perpetual survival mode, where they question their own sense of self-worth. If you do not show them that another way of life is possible, you won’t have a convincing enough position to bring them home to you.

Optimism and love of the world, despite the pain and suffering, can seem delusional to pragmatists and pessimists. It might even feel like an abandonment of truth and honesty with yourself.

But I would like to reframe it as a commitment to bringing more good in the world. It is a gift that only you can bring. You are actively choosing not to surrender to the harmful actions of others, nor will you become what hurt you.

When you are thriving, your child will see it. They will envy the peace and joy that is woven into every aspect of your life, and it will be maddening to them that you have found a way to exist happily in a world filled with pain. At first, they are likely to judge you and pretend to claim a false moral high ground. But the mystery of their own absence of joy will eat at them until they reach out to you to figure out how they can find happiness themselves.

And that sets the stage for you to help them find meaning after the alienation, find love in their life, and discover the truth.

So the short answer to how love for the world supports both alienated children and parents is that it enables them to pursue the ambitions they would have aspired to had the alienation never occurred.

As Andy Dufresne would say in Shawshank Redemption,

“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

~ Shawshank Redemption

Your life does not have to be defined by the absence of kindness from the people who hurt you. They don’t deserve that kind of power over you.

What Does Love of the World Look Like?

The Outer—from the Inner

The Outer—from the Inner
Derives its Magnitude—
'Tis Duke, or Dwarf, according
As is the Central Mood—

The fine—unvarying Axis
That regulates the Wheel—
Though Spokes—spin—more conspicuous
And fling a dust—the while.

The Inner—paints the Outer—
The Brush without the Hand—
Its Picture publishes—precise—
As is the inner Brand—

On fine—Arterial Canvas—
A Cheek—perchance a Brow—
The Star's whole Secret—in the Lake—
Eyes were not meant to know.

~ Emily Dickinson

If you are a long-time reader of Shortening the Red Thread, you will probably guess my response is that the answer to the question above lies in ourselves. By extension, love of the world is the same as love for ourselves, only broader. Some people do so by devoting themselves entirely to religion. Others champion social causes. And many will tend to the little garden of their life and nurture the things that bring them joy.

The world is filled with examples of historical and current icons who have triumphed over tragedy. Make no mistake, the pain does not go away immediately. Sometimes, the pain never goes away. But what matters most is that these people have found ways to give the world more because of what they’ve endured.

For example:

• Emily Dickinson lived much of her adult life in near-total seclusion, haunted by loss, disillusionment, and loneliness. Yet from that solitude emerged a body of poetry so precise and transcendent that it continues to shape language, spirituality, and inner life today.

• Helen Keller, both blind and deaf from infancy, was expected to live a life of helplessness. Instead, through courage, determination, and the support of her teacher, Anne Sullivan, she became a writer, speaker, and advocate whose work transformed how society viewed disability, education, and the human spirit.

• Viktor Frankl, a survivor of Auschwitz, famously wrote that “life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.” He found in his suffering not a reason to despair, but a call to serve. Through his book Man’s Search for Meaning, he offered millions a lifeline through the idea that we can build a future from the ashes of the past. (I wrote an entire article around Viktor Frankl and finding meaning after alienation. You read it here, and I highly recommend reading his book as well.)

You don’t need to be a historical icon to do this.

In Part I of Finding Love After Alienation, we explored the raw and often terrifying work of finding love again in romantic partnership and within ourselves. In Part II, we turned inward toward the family, reclaiming what it means to love and be loved within our most formative relationships.

This final chapter is the broadest and perhaps the most difficult.

Because this time, the subject of love isn’t a person. It’s the world.

1. How do you find love for the world after alienation?

2. How do you invest in a life that has taken so much from you?

3. How do you trust again when the person who should have loved you most chose to hurt you?

When I first introduced the five stages of healing—Recognition, Reconnection, Reclamation, Rebuilding, and Reintegration—it was through the lens of learning to love yourself again. But the same arc applies to our relationship with the world. Just as alienation can fracture our sense of self, it also fractures our sense of belonging. It tells us we are not safe, not wanted, not real. That our voices don't matter. That our grief is not valid.

Reclaiming love for the world is not about denying that pain. It’s about choosing to build a new relationship with the world, even with those truths in view.

We begin, as before, with Recognition.

Step 1: Recognition

“The dangers of not thinking clearly are much greater now than ever before. It's not that there's something new in our way of thinking, it's that credulous and confused thinking can be much more lethal in ways it was never before.”

~ Carl Sagan

Before you can love the world again, you have to be able to see it clearly.

Alienation and trauma can warp your perception. They distort your sense of safety, belonging, and truth. Over time, your nervous system adapts by scanning for threats in every direction, triggering survival mode even in situations that are not dangerous.

And it is not just in relationships, but in institutions, authority, and even moments of kindness from your community. This is protective at first. But if it goes unchecked, it becomes a prison of the mind, where you are simultaneously the prisoner and the prison guard. You stop interpreting the world through your eyes and start interpreting it through your wounds.

Imagine having a broken arm. If you leave it untreated, what happens the next time someone tries to hug you? Even if that hug is filled with love, you wince in pain and pull away. It doesn’t matter that the hug was coming from a place of genuine affection; your mind registers it as a threat to your well-being.

Wounds of the mind are similar, only they don’t have obvious breaks or tears like the body does. As a result, we are more likely to forget they are there. The only way we can discover these trauma patterns is to disrupt them by pausing before reacting and to practice curiosity so that we can see the situation as it is, not as how we fear it might be.

Seeing the world clearly again means learning to recognize three things in real time:

1. Your own internal state.

2. The mode you’re operating in

3. The reality of the other person in front of you.

I’ll break each down further.

1. Recognizing Your Internal State

Your body often signals what your mind hasn’t yet named. Tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, clenched jaw, or a racing heartbeat can be early warnings that you’ve shifted into an anxious, fearful defense.

Recognizing these cues isn’t inherently wrong or bad. There is no value in shaming yourself. It’s about knowing when you’re primed to interpret everything as a threat. If you catch it early, you can pause before reacting.

The power of the pause comes when you can disrupt trauma patterns within yourself to ask yourself key questions that would give you an honest reading of the situation.

Example questions to ask yourself:

• Am I tired, hungry, overstimulated, or in pain right now?

• Is my reaction proportionate to what’s happening, or does it feel bigger than the situation?

• Have I felt this way before in a different context?

I cover much of this in Finding Love After Alienation Part I, particularly in the section about learning to love yourself.

2. Recognizing the Mode

You’re almost always operating from one of two modes: curiosity or fear.

• In curiosity, you are in an executive state where you feel open. You ask questions. You can disagree without feeling unsafe.

• In fear, you are in a survival state where you become closed off and feel defensive. You assume intent before you have the facts.

Alienation conditions you to live in fear mode, because for so long, danger felt constant. The shift is learning to notice which mode you’re in and intentionally choosing curiosity where it’s safe to do so.

Check-in questions:

• Am I trying to understand, or am I trying to protect?

• Am I listening to understand, or listening to respond?

• Do I feel physically tense or relaxed right now?

• What can I learn from this?

To learn more about staying in an executive state, I highly recommend my article, Seeing through the Eyes of the Alienated Child.

3. Recognizing Others Accurately

Not everyone in your life is safe, and not everyone is a threat. Alienation blurs that line, making it easy to mistake strong opinions for aggression or kindness for manipulation.

One of the more common things I have noticed in both former alienated kids and targeted parents is that many of them who find a healthy relationship will often pair with someone who is their fiercest protector, especially when it comes to their blind spots.

And what I mean by that is the formerly abused parent or child is still gentle and kind after the alienation, albeit too kind or easy-going. Sometimes, someone might push the limits of what is appropriate, and the spouse/partner steps in to immediately squash any manipulative intent. In many ways, they see behind a person’s silver tongue and have the courage to call it out in ways that a formerly alienated person might shy away from. When peace is equated with the absence of conflict, it is too easy to give in to other people’s demands when we fear disappointing others.

Learning the skill to ascertain whether a person is inherently manipulative, acting inappropriately in the moment, or is disagreeable while maintaining good intentions toward you is critical in your ability to interact with others honestly. Most of the time, a person is just misbehaving in the moment due to an insecurity or fear they are subconsciously directed by.

You don’t have any obligation to teach or nurture that person through their subliminal insecurities. That kind of advice often falls on deaf ears anyway. All you have to do is learn to recognize it and acknowledge the limits of what you can do.

For example, I used to work as a manager in a retail store, and my part-timers would often call me when they had an angry customer. Most of these exchanges would look like this.

I would approach the angry customer.

Customer: You the manager?
Andrew: Yes sir, how can I help you?

Customer: Yeah I spent over a $100 on primer to cover up a water stain on my ceiling and it is still bleeding through. I am sick of wasting money on shit that doesn’t work. You going to do anything about that?

Moments like these would often upset my team members. They absorb some of the anger projected by the upset customer and take it personally. Even my fellow managers, who had more experience with buyer complaints, sometimes took these comments to heart and engaged with them in a more combative manner.

Now the bottom line is this behavior is unacceptable, and a customer should be respectful. But we don’t live in a world where everyone does what they ought and should do.

My response to these individuals always starts with recognition. In this case, I had to recognize that they are afraid of failure and the potential of losing more money. Once I know what they are scared of, I can immediately address the fears and ignore any comments made in anger.

Andrew: Yeah that is pretty ridiculous. Tell you what, let’s head over to the primer aisle. Could you also tell me what primers have you tried so far?

Customer: I tried Product A, Product B….

Andrew: Yeah that makes sense, usually those work but water stains, especially if there is tannin oils from the wood, bleeds through acryllic easily. Let me show you something that will get the job done.

Almost every time, I would extinguish the anger of the customer, and some of them even apologized to me afterward. Many would spend money on premium products that were beyond their budget. This is not because I am some master salesman.

I gave them the space to be angry and recognized that their anger is with themselves. I was able to stay calm and curious while they were emotional. Then, I could give them the confidence they needed to solve the problem.

The key is separating toxic intent from human imperfection:

• Some people are harmful because they thrive on control, cruelty, or deceit. They manipulate to maintain power, exploit vulnerabilities, and show little to no empathy for the harm they cause. Their behavior is patterned, intentional, and consistent over time—even when confronted with the damage they’ve done. These are the individuals you protect yourself from with firm, non-negotiable boundaries.

• Most people simply make mistakes, speak clumsily, or act out of their own insecurities. They might misread a situation, fail to follow through on a promise, or respond defensively when they feel embarrassed or afraid. Their impact can still hurt, but the intent is not malicious. Often, these behaviors are situational—triggered by stress, ignorance, or conflicting priorities—not by a desire to harm others.

I will never tell you to excuse harmful behavior. Draw clear boundaries to protect yourself from toxic people. But remember, most people mean well, even if they make poor choices.

Learning to tell the difference requires both pattern recognition and context awareness:

• Is this a one-time issue or a repeated pattern?

• Do they take responsibility when it’s pointed out, or deflect and blame?

• Do they adjust their behavior when they know it causes harm?

• Is the problem a skill gap or character trait that may improve slowly, or is it rooted in deliberate harm?

This is where Hanlon’s Razor becomes essential:

“Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by carelessness or misunderstanding.”

In my time supporting the alienation movement, I’ve seen countless moments where someone reacted like a volcano—not because the other person was truly dangerous, but because fear of being hurt again hijacked the moment.

Recognition is about taking inventory of what is happening right now. It is a skill of being present in the moment and not giving in to the sway of heated emotions. By being present, you can exercise curiosity and acknowledge how alienation reshaped your lens of reality. That’s what helps you widen your field of vision again. It allows you to name what hurts without letting it define everything.

Step 2: Reconnection

“We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, ‘It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.’ Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes.”

~ Fred Rogers

Alienated children are taught explicitly or through fear and manipulation that connection and love are conditional.

To maintain love, safety, or approval, they must reject part of themselves, including,

• Their bond with a once-loved parent

• Their intuition

• Their right to ask questions or explore alternative truths

Over time, this conditioning becomes internalized. They learn to distrust affection, avoid vulnerability, and question whether their feelings are real. Many carry guilt, shame, or confusion deep into adulthood, unsure of why they feel disconnected, emotionally muted, or fearful of closeness even in safe relationships.

The tragedy is that most alienated children don’t even know they’re alienated. They only know they’re alone and away from the influence of the alienator. Even then, many adult children of alienation reach a stage where they self-enforce the alienation, and it is only when their beliefs are dramatically challenged that they start to doubt their programming.

When they do begin to realize something is off, they may not know where to turn. Trust doesn’t come back easily. Even when they want to reconnect, the fear of rejection, or the belief that they were the one who did the rejecting, can keep them frozen in isolation.

On the other hand, alienated parents find isolation takes a different but equally painful form.

They are often surrounded by people who either:

• Believe the alienator’s version of the story.

• Stay “neutral” and avoid the topic entirely.

• Offer advice without understanding the trauma.

Eventually, many parents stop reaching out. They learn to go quiet in rooms where they once shared openly. They maintain composure to avoid judgment. And little by little, they begin to believe the lies that alienation taught them, such as, “you are too much, your story is too messy, and no one wants to deal with your pain.”

This is how both parent and child end up in emotional exile, trapped on opposite sides of a wound neither of them caused.

In both cases, the next step after recognition is to engage with curiosity to connect with people, even those you might disagree with.

Reminder: This is not advocating for connecting/reconnecting with toxic people. Part of the Recognition step is to strengthen your ability to discern toxic people from disagreeable people with different perspectives.

Here is the thing… the ultimate goal for most victims of alienation is to reconnect the alienated child with the targeted parent or family member. That is usually the baseline goal.

However, rediscovering your love for the world means setting your targets on something higher. In addition to reconnection to heal the alienation, you have to look for ways to reconnect with society and the world at large.

And you start by asking yourself this big question.

Who and what will I allow into my life again?

When you are in the reconnection stage, you are looking to find where healthy connections have been broken as a result of the alienation and its symptoms.

Some of these ideas might sound cliché because they’ve been repeated ad nauseaum in self-help books and therapy rooms for decades. But they’re repeated for a reason… they work. Think of them as the “bread and butter” of rebuilding connection. They aren’t quick fixes, but over time, they rewire your nervous system, rebuild your trust in the world, and make space for real relationships.

1. Reconnect with Yourself in Quiet
   
   Reconnection starts with you. Set aside time for stillness without distractions through journaling, meditating, praying, or simply sitting with your thoughts. Life is already quite busy with work, finances, and personal obligations, making it hard to find time for rest. Quiet time allows your nervous system to shift from constant alertness and gives space for your feelings to surface without judgment. This inner clarity becomes the foundation for connecting with others from a place of presence rather than reaction. Quiet time is how you process all the emotions you carry throughout the day. The more quiet time you allot for yourself, the calmer you will find your mind is over time.
   

2. Reconnect with Nature
   
   Nature has a way of calming the human nervous system that no lecture, podcast, or pep talk can replace. Being outdoors exposes you to natural light, which boosts vitamin D—a key nutrient for mood regulation—and helps your body produce serotonin, the neurotransmitter linked to well-being and calm. Walk in a park, garden, or forest. Sit under a tree and listen to the wind. Let your senses soak in colors, textures, and sounds. In nature, there’s no judgment or agenda, just an invitation to remember what safe connection feels like.
   

3. Reconnect with your Community
   
   Isolation shrinks your sense of belonging. Reconnecting means showing up where people are—and not just to receive, but to contribute. Join a local hobby group, attend a class, volunteer, or explore community events. Try Meetup.com, neighborhood Facebook groups, Rotary Club, your local Chamber of Commerce, BNI, the YMCA, local libraries, or faith-based gatherings. When you participate in community life, you create chances for shared experiences, mutual support, and the kind of casual familiarity that grows into trust over time.
   
   Even if you feel you have very few or no friends, I challenge you to go out there and make a new friend. The more you tell yourself it is not possible, the more you are getting in your own way.
   

4. Reconnect With What You Find Beautiful
   
   One of the first things I told myself as an adult after alienation was, “From now on, I will only surround myself with things that are artistic, musical, and/or beautiful. Everything else can kick rocks.”
   
   Beauty reminds you that the world holds more than pain. It holds wonder, creativity, and joy. Whether it’s art, music, architecture, literature, nature, quality time with loved ones, engaging in hobbies, or cooking a meal you love, these moments activate the brain’s reward system and restore hope. Seek out beauty intentionally. Visit a museum, listen to a live concert, take photographs of things that inspire you, or arrange flowers in your home. Beauty is nourishment for your spirit.
   

5. Reconnect Through Learning Something New
   
   Curiosity is a bridge out of isolation. When you learn a new skill, whether it’s painting, coding, gardening, or speaking a new language, you shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you’re gaining. New learning challenges your brain, boosts dopamine (motivation), and often brings you into contact with others who share your interests. Look for adult education classes, online workshops, or skill-sharing meetups in your area.
   

6. Reconnect by Helping Others
   
   One of the fastest ways to reconnect is to contribute. Volunteering at a food bank, mentoring a student, or helping a neighbor with errands shifts the focus outward and reinforces your value in the world. Assisting others also triggers the release of oxytocin—the “bonding hormone”—which fosters trust and belonging. Choose causes or communities you care about, and start small if needed. Even one act of generosity can remind you that you still have something to give, and that giving can feel good again.

Reconnection is about touching the world again, feeling its textures, hearing its voices, and letting its light back in. Each small choice to engage is a vote against isolation and a step toward wholeness.

Step 3: Reclamation

“Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!”

~ Ms. Frizzle, Magic School Bus

Once you’ve begun to reconnect with the world, the next step is to reclaim the driver’s seat of your life. The danger now isn’t just pain, but also passivity. It’s drifting on autopilot, letting months, years, even decades pass without moving toward your goals or mending what matters most.

Reclamation is the stage where you say loudly and proudly that you will not let the hurtful actions of another person take away the gifts you have within.

Love for the world is inseparable from love for yourself. Permitting yourself to pursue your ambitions is how you give back to the world. It shows your alienated children, whether they are watching now or will reconnect later, that joy and purpose are still possible after profound loss. It paints a picture of a life not defined by the alienator’s harm, but by your resilience and creativity.

Reclaiming your ambitions means reopening the parts of you that were suppressed because of the alienation.

Ask yourself:

• What did I want before alienation took over my life?

• Which dreams still spark something in me when I think about them?

• What new ambitions have emerged from who I am now?

• What excites me and gives me energy?

Your goals don’t have to be grand or public. They can be as small as taking a painting class, as personal as restoring your health, or as bold as starting a business or traveling the world.

When I left my alienator, one of my goals was to build a personal library of all the books I wanted to read. It is a small ritual of adding books that I think help me become a better person, and something that I still do today.

The scale matters less than the signal you send to yourself. My life still matters. My desires are worth pursuing.

And remember that ambitions are not a straight path. They’re a series of experiments. Some will work, others will fail. Sometimes you might realize a goal you once had no longer aligns with what you want for yourself now. Each one rebuilds your confidence and strengthens the muscles of hope. If you are worried about failure, give yourself smaller targets to aim at to build in some quick, small wins. When you give yourself hard proof of your ability to achieve your goals, you build self-trust.

This is how you reclaim your life after alienation. The same applies to your professional life, romantic endeavors, and your day-to-day life.

Step 4: Rebuilding

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”

~ Abraham Maslow

Given that alienation disrupts the entire foundation of your life, you will likely find yourself mourning in the ashes of a life that was burned to the ground. Many alienated parents and children have had to live in prolonged survival mode, where higher-level needs like self-esteem or personal growth feel like luxuries they can’t afford. When they take inventory of their life, they see nothing left.

And that is a hard place to draw motivation. How do you feel motivated to try again when someone took everything from you?

Rebuilding is where you take all the progress from Recognition, Reconnection, and Reclamation and apply it to the full spectrum of your human needs. One of the best frameworks you can use to build yourself up brick by brick is Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs.

Let’s break it down level by level.

1. Physiological Needs

(Food • Water • Shelter • Rest • Health • Reproduction)

• Alienated Children — May fear losing a place to live if they disobey the alienator. Some experience neglect in subtle ways (poor nutrition, untreated medical issues) if it serves the alienator’s control. Constant anxiety about stability can make even basic rest difficult.

• Alienated Parents — May face sudden housing changes after divorce, high legal fees, or financial instability that makes health care and nutrition harder to maintain. Chronic stress erodes physical health and sleep quality, potentially leading to medical challenges.

Rebuilding Focus: Secure a safe living environment, ensure consistent access to food, water, and health care, and create a daily rhythm that includes real rest. This is non-negotiable. You will not be able to support yourself properly at the higher levels if you do not attend to your physiological needs first.

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2. Safety Needs

(Personal security • Financial stability • Health care • Legal protection)

• Alienated Children — Often live under constant threat of punishment (loss of privileges, affection withdrawal) if they express a desire to see the targeted parent. This creates hypervigilance and teaches them the world is unsafe.

• Alienated Parents — Are at high risk of financial abuse via excessive child support demands, garnished wages, and expensive legal battles. May face CPS weaponization or restraining orders designed to intimidate.

Rebuilding Focus:

• Parents: Stabilize income sources, reduce legal vulnerabilities, and document interactions for protection. Ensure your home is somewhere safe for your children to visit, play, and connect with you and the community.

• Children (now adults or free from the alienator): Build independent living skills, learn self-defense or assertiveness, and create safe environments where trust can grow. Develop your core competencies for your career to avoid being limited to entry-level positions. Maintain boundaries with the alienator.

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3. Love and Belonging

(Friendship • Family bonds • Intimacy • Community)

• Alienated Children — Are told love is conditional and must be “earned” by rejecting a parent. They often feel they must hide or deny parts of themselves to keep relationships.

• Alienated Parents — Lose not just their child, but often friends, extended family, and community ties who “stay neutral” or believe the alienator’s version of events.

Rebuilding Focus: Cultivate relationships based on mutual respect and consistency. Engage in community activities (faith groups, clubs, volunteering) where you can give and receive support without conditions. Avoid trauma dumping, as that will make the community uncomfortable around you.

*For rebuilding love within the family, be sure to read my previous article, Finding Love after Alienation Part II.

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4. Esteem Needs

(Self-respect • Achievement • Recognition • Feeling valued)

• Alienated Children — Internalize shame and self-blame, questioning their worth and competence. Struggle to trust praise because affection has been used manipulatively in the past.

• Alienated Parents — Self-worth can collapse after years of being accused, doubted, or ignored. Professional setbacks and strained reputations add to the loss of esteem.

Rebuilding Focus: Set achievable goals to rebuild confidence. Seek environments that recognize your contributions. Affirm your worth daily.

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5. Self-Actualization

(Personal growth • Creativity • Meaning • Living your purpose)

• Alienated Children — May have dreams suppressed or redirected to fit the alienator’s narrative. They learn to play small to avoid conflict. They may feel like they need to pursue a life that was chosen for them, likely by the alienator.

• Alienated Parents — Can put life goals on hold indefinitely, waiting for reunion. Creativity and exploration may feel selfish when the child is still gone.

Rebuilding Focus: Reclaim and pursue ambitions that matter to you now. Let your growth serve as an example to your children that life after alienation is not just survival, but that it can be beautiful and whole.

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Rebuilding is a slow process, and chances are you won't be able to do all of it quickly. Focus on the foundational levels first so that you can steadily work your way up. That will help you step into the highest level—Self-actualization.

Step 5: Reintegration

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

~ Carl Jung

Reintegration is the stage where the work you’ve done—recognizing, reconnecting, reclaiming, and rebuilding—comes together. It’s about becoming the fullest version of yourself because you’ve walked through the fire.

At this stage, your life is no longer defined by the alienator’s harm or the years of loss. Instead, it is shaped by the strength, insight, and compassion you’ve cultivated along the way. People naturally want to be around you because your presence offers hope, steadiness, and authenticity.

One powerful way to live out reintegration is to give back to the world. This doesn’t have to mean grand gestures or public crusades. Sometimes the greatest gift you can offer the world is the best version of yourself, living your best life, while supporting your immediate community.

Sure, this may not have the same ring or power as a multimillionaire, social influencer, or celebrity, but most people don’t want that. Most parents would have lived quiet lives raising their children had the alienation never occurred, and they intend to return to that life after reunification.

Reintegration is not the end of the story. It’s the close of one cycle. Continuous growth means you will return to Recognition again, discovering new truths about yourself and the world. From there, you reconnect, reclaim, and rebuild at an even deeper level. Each cycle strengthens you, expands your capacity for love, and allows you to bring more of your true self into the world.

When you live this way, alienation no longer has the final word. Your life becomes a living testament that while the wound may remain, it can be transformed into wisdom, resilience, and joy that grows with every turn of the wheel.

Alienation Advocacy

A word of caution for alienated parents…

It’s common to want to turn your pain into fuel for a cause—starting a movement, posting videos, or advocating daily about alienation. While advocacy has its place, it’s not a substitute for healing. If your only focus becomes alienation, you risk building your life entirely around your wound. I’ve seen many parents pour themselves into “raising awareness” only to burn out quickly, and others who abandon all their personal goals, passions, and relationships in the process. They become crusaders who will dedicate their entire lives to the pain that was inflicted on them.

Making content, leading groups, or trying to shift public opinion is not as simple as it seems. It rarely produces income, it requires a thick skin, and it demands emotional reserves you may still be rebuilding. If you choose to serve this way, do it from a place of strength, not survival—otherwise, it’s the blind leading the blind.

The same caution applies to formerly alienated children. I’ve written more about this in my article Why Alienated Kids Don’t Speak Out, which explains why even after reconciliation, many choose privacy over public advocacy. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is quietly live a good, full life—free, creative, and deeply your own.

Breaking the cycle of abuse is in itself a huge victory in fighting alienation.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for those who have dedicated their life to researching alienation, defending parents and kids in court, and the many peers who have stepped into the public sphere to share their story.

But again, I want to stress that this must come from a place of strength. I say this with experience, as I have previously burned myself out multiple times. Additionally, the more your pain drives you, the more the optics of your work will be criticised, as the general public will think you are unstable.

This is a core reason why so many alienation-denying influencers double down on publicly discrediting alienation. They refuse to engage or listen to alienation victims because so many victims of alienation react hostily when their abuse is doubted. If you cannot handle the doubt of a stranger, you will not be able to handle the pressure of public advocacy. It is also why these alienation influencers tend to spotlight those with a “Fight Club” mentality.

They spotlight those who spew unhinged, misanthropic/misandrist/misogynistic, violent, and/or hateful comments, only to say to their following, “See? If they talk like this online, then it must be 1000x worse with their child.”

Final Thoughts About Love for the World

Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash

I genuinely believe that every day, you have to decide whether you want your life to be beautiful or ugly. Joyful or depressing. Peaceful or angry. And we can change direction at any time we choose. We only live for about 70 - 90 years, so why be a martyr of alienation? It doesn’t matter if you are 20 years old or 90. You have this moment right now to change the course.

I am not asking you to get up and fight.

I am asking you to get up and smell the flowers. Give yourself proof that the world has something good worth living for. That kind of hope and love can never die. The pain of continuing to live a loveless life has to be greater than the pain of changing your world into something worth living for. At that moment, you will find the greatest freedom.

If you are still in the throes of alienation, I cannot tell you when your alienated child will return. What I can promise you is that by rekindling your sense of love after alienation, it will be far easier to build a bridge for your child to walk on back to you.

No child wants to leave an abusive environment with one parent and enter the other parent’s depression and grief. Abuse, trauma, and malice take the magic of the world away, but you can restore that with love. In doing so, your child will naturally feel attracted to that.

Again, some might find this to be cliché, and I get it. But the alternative is to drown in grief and depression, because at the end of the day, no one is coming to save you. No law can be passed to magically change the situation, and no one person can solve all your problems.

If you are still questioning yourself, trying to discern where you might find the strength to continue, start the process with recognition, and slowly work your way through the cycle. If you are worried about judgment from others, then perhaps those people’s opinions may not be helpful to your well-being.

My mother’s greatest strengths were her conviction that one day my brother and I would return to her and the love she held for both of us, regardless of the pain she endured. She was not strong by herself every day; sometimes she had to rely on her support network. Most days, she leaned on her husband, who was there from the beginning. No matter how painful the alienation was, she still had the courage to have three more kids and raise them into respectful, kind, and intelligent adults.

When I reunited with my mother after 12.5 years of alienation, her commitment to being a loving person stood out the most to me, and much of what I have shared in these past three articles is built on what I have learned from observing her.

There is a song by Ennio Morricone and Chiara Ferraù that I found a few years ago that caught my attention because the beauty of the music blew me away.

The song is called Nella Fantasia, which means In My Fantasy.

If I were to take everything I have shared in Finding Love After Alienation Parts I - III, I would feel confident in saying it is encompassed within this song. I am sure that might come across as cheesy, maybe even flippant, to those who have suffered greatly from alienation. But like I mentioned above, we can either choose to live in despair over the pain we have suffered, or choose to stand on our principles of love, integrity, and compassion.

There are several stellar renditions of the song Nella Fantasia online, including the version by Sarah Brightman. Here is the version I listen to below. I included the English translation of the lyrics under the video.

In fantasy I see a just world
Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo giusto

There everyone lives in peace and honesty
Lì tutti vivono in pace e in onestà

I dream of souls who are always free
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere

Like clouds flying
Come le nuvole che volano

Full of humanity at the bottom of the soul
Pien d'umanità in fondo all'anima

In fantasy I see a clear world
Nella fantasia io vedo un mondo chiaro

Even the darkest night is there
Lì anche la notte meno oscura

I dream of souls who are always free
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere

Like clouds flying
Come le nuvole che volano

Full of humanity
Pien d'umanità

In fantasy there is a warm wind
Nella fantasia esiste un vento caldo

Blowing over the cities, as a friend
Che soffia sulle città, come amico

I dream of souls who are always free
Io sogno d'anime che sono sempre libere

Like clouds flying
Come le nuvole che volano

Full of humanity at the bottom of the soul
Pien d'umanità in fondo all'anima

Until next time,

Andrew Folkler

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A few quick updates

Firstly, I want to thank all of you who continue to support the newsletter. I have received many comments, emails, and shoutouts on social media. I am deeply grateful for all of them, and I try to respond to everyone.

As some of you might know, I am in the process of taking these ideas and putting them together into a book that I hope will support parents throughout their alienation journey.

It is a slow process—I work full-time, have a toddler, and also write as a freelance ghostwriter, so I only get small pockets of time. I don’t know when I will finish it, but I am researching for the book and sharing some of my core ideas here in this newsletter to see what is most helpful and what can be improved.

How can you help?

1. Ask me questions and share your feedback.
   
   The easiest way to help would be to ask questions in the comments and share your thoughts with me. You could even disagree and say, “Andrew, I don’t think this was good because…”
   
   It is completely ok to share your unfiltered opinions. I want this book to help people, and that means sometimes, I might be missing the bigger picture or that I didn’t explain something properly. Your feedback means the world to me, and I appreciate all of it deeply.
   

2. Share this newsletter with those in your community.
   
   There are countless alienated parents out there trying to survive alone. Offer them support by sharing this newsletter with them so that they can find the tools they need to reunite with their child.
   

3. Share your favorite resources.
   
   If you’ve found a book, podcast, article, or tool that has helped you in your alienation journey, pass it along. I may be able to feature it in a future newsletter to help more people benefit from it.

What is next?

I have been working on many different article ideas, including how to communicate with severely alienated kids who have gone no contact, how to address alienation deniers, estrangement vs alienation, and others.

If there are any particular topics that interest you, please let me know.

Are you a formerly alienated child or reunited parent looking to support alienated parents?

Ginger Gentile, director of the documentaries Erasing Family and Erasing Dad (Borrando a papá), is looking for reunited parents and formerly alienated adult children who want to support presently alienated parents in their journey to reunification.

I have been a long-time friend with Ginger, and everything she teaches in her programs is closely aligned with what I share in Shortening the Red Thread. Ginger has helped countless parents through her advocacy work, and I have been a guest coach for her programs for several years.

If you would like to learn more about how you can step into advocacy for alienated parents, consider Ginger’s coaching training.

Note: This is not an affiliate link and I do not make anything from coaches who join. That said, I am a big supporter of Ginger and the work that she does and I believe that the skills she teaches are critical in reunification and healing after alienation.

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Liked this article? Here are others you might find valuable.

1. Finding Meaning in Alienation When All Hope is Lost

2. How to Talk With Your Alienated Child When They Don't Want to Talk To You

3. Seeing through the Eyes of the Alienated Child

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